A Reformed Critic Criticizes

By Avedis Kevorkian, Philadelphia, PA , 14 March 2009

It is generally agreed that the reformed drunk is the strongest advocate of abstinence and the recent convert to a religion is the most passionate spokesman for the religion.  So, it is possible the chastised critic of Armenia may become a vocal critic of critics.

By Avedis Kevorkian, Philadelphia, PA , 14 March 2009

It is generally agreed that the reformed drunk is the strongest advocate of abstinence and the recent convert to a religion is the most passionate spokesman for the religion.  So, it is possible the chastised critic of Armenia may become a vocal critic of critics.

And, I am.

How dare Armen Harutiunian criticize the present state  of things–quality of governance, calibre of officials, public safety, etc.–in Armenia?  Just because he is the ombudsman doesn’t mean that he should take his job so seriously that he becomes an outspoken critic of the country.  I refer to the recently-posted report, here, about his 250-page report to journalists.

Doesn’t he know that Armenia is the greatest country in the world, peopled by the greatest geniuses in the world, eating the greatest food in the world, drinking the greatest wines in the world, and living in the greatest democracy in the history of the world?

As regular readers of this web-site know, I was once a critic of things in Armenia, but I have seen the light.  Hallelujah!

I once referred to the government officials as "crooks and thieves and thugs"; I once suggested that Armenia should be boycotted not only by the Diaspora but also by the host countries of the vast Diaspora because Armenia was so corrupt.

But I was roundly criticized for my expressed views; the good doctor who labors on this web-site had received countless messages that he refuse my contributions–some of them so offensive, he tells me, that he chose not to post them to spare my delicate sensibilities.

But I got the message.  Not only did I decide not to say another critical word, but also I decided to educate myself on things in Yerevan (as was suggested by some of my critics).

And, what a revelation; what an education!

I learned that those people who were supposedly murdered for their anti-government views were not murdered.  They had killed themselves accidentally while cleaning their weapons.  Carelessly, they had left a cartridge in the chamber so that when cleaning the weapon they accidentally shot themselves.  It is no wonder the police have never found the "killers."  There were none to be found.

I learned that those people who claimed they were beaten for their views had not been beaten for their views.  They had been drunk and they had fallen down stairs, they had tripped over curbs, they had bumped into poles and walls and other obstacles.  Rather than admit they were drunks, they claimed they were beaten by the government’s supporters.  No wonder the "assailants" were never found by the police. There were no assailants.

I learned that those who were arrested last year for protesting the free and fair and honest election were, likewise, drunks and the government was too ashamed to admit that there were so many drunks in Armenia it decided to bring criticism on itself and risk the world’s ire by saying that they were demonstrators who got out of hand.  Now, wasn’t that the honorable thing to do?

I learned that the government officials who have built for themselves vast mansions and villas with public money did so after being forced to by the citizens of Armenia who felt that their leaders must look good to the rest of the world, however dire their own status.  Now, doesn’t that prove how grateful are the citizens of Armenia that even the 1988 earthquake victims who are still living in shipping containers prefer to do so in order that their government officials should impress the world?

It is my guess that while Mr. Harutiunian was busy writing his report, he obviously failed to hear the news that God had announced that Armenia was such a Paradise on Earth that He was leaving Heaven and was going to live in Yerevan.

I say that Mr. Harutiunian should be rebuked for saying such nasty things as:  Armenia has been “oligarchic” and “repressive” ever since the break-up of the Soviet Union; there has been selective and discretionary enforcement of laws by successive Armenian governments; that “Since the independence, oligarchy and bureaucracy have subordinated the state to themselves”; that Armenian law-enforcement bodies are incompetent; that the government system has become hostage to non-professionalism.” 

Oh, dear me!  What will the world say if this kind of thing is believed?  Something should be done and, fortunately, there are Armenia-loving experts out there who know that Armenia is perfect and is (or should be) above criticism.

We must show the world that we Armenians are accurate and unbiased when commenting on Armenia, and we know that all is ginger-peachy in the country.

Therefore, I encourage all those who protested my misguided essays on this web-site to write to Mr. Harutiunian and accuse him of being a Turk, of being an enemy of Armenia, and being whatever was sent about me to the good doctor which he did not pass on.

I am grateful to all my critics for their brutal honesty and objectivity.  I feel much better.

Although this wasn’t intended to be an act of repentance, I hope that all those who have chastised me for my errant ways will now lift their curse on me, and will accept a sinner back into the fold.

Related material: Ombudsman Decries Armenia’s ‘Oligarchic’ System

  1. A Reformed Critic Satirizes

    Mr. Kevorkian never ceases to amaze me by his incomparable style.  The modern day Khatchakoghs and fraudsters better be alert.  There are still Odians and Baronians out there whose pen (or in this case keyboard) will always be mightier than their swords or rather heaps of the now devalued dram.

    To those tin-pot nobodies who will end up in the dustbin of history, I say watch out, the truth is coming after you.  You will be swept into the garbage can where you belong.

    To Avedis Kevorkian I say, go smite ’em with thine mighty keyboard.

    Your pieces are masterpieces.  Keep ’em coming.

    Viken L. Attarian

    Mount Royal, QC





  2. humorous and ingenious!

    Mr. Avedis, your writing style is modern and ingenious! I enjoyed reading it and will search and read all articles written by you on this site, I hope you have more…
    Thank you for such an accurate description of the situation in Armenia…although sad but at least humorous.



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