Coffee With Ahmet and Mehmet (Cont.3)

By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 9 October 2011

 

Ahmet and Mehmet are having their morning coffee at a café in a remote Anatolian town.  Ahmet is reading the local daily.
 

Mehmet: Ahmet, what’s new in “Turan Daily News”?
 

Ahmet: Before we talk about the headlines, I want to tell you of a secret suspicion I have had for a long time but didn’t tell anyone… until I had more proof.
 

By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 9 October 2011

 

Ahmet and Mehmet are having their morning coffee at a café in a remote Anatolian town.  Ahmet is reading the local daily.
 

Mehmet: Ahmet, what’s new in “Turan Daily News”?
 

Ahmet: Before we talk about the headlines, I want to tell you of a secret suspicion I have had for a long time but didn’t tell anyone… until I had more proof.
 

Mehmet: You sound mysterious, Ahmet. What suspicions?
 

Ahmet: You read Sarkozy’s announcement that we should call our treacherous gavoor clean-up operation in 1915 genocide. Now look at his name: SARKozy… like SARKissian, the president of Ermenistan. Sarkozy is a secret Armenian pretending to be a Jew.

Mehmet: You might have something there, but I wouldn’t worry too much. France is not an important country. I have good news for you: The mother of computer genius Steve Jobs was Turkish. Her family… Hagopian or something… emigrated from Izmir in the early ‘20s. Now tell me what’s in the newspaper.
 

Ahmet: Oolaan, I am confused. It doesn’t make sense. Gadaffi’s men, the Libyan rebels, the Mountain Turks and our army are fighting it in Siirt. What are the Libyans doing in our Siirt? I thought they had problems of their own.
 

Mehmet: Let me see the paper.
 

Mehmet: (After reading the newspaper) Ahmet… of course you are upset. You are confusing our Siirt with Sirte in Libya. There’s no fighting in Siirt.
 

Ahmet: Thank Allah for that.
 

Mehmet: What are you eating? Baked potato with kehve? Arkhadash, what’s the matter with you this morning?
 

Ahmet: If you read the papers more often, you would know. A week ago an American trade delegation, from Ohyo, was in Istanbul. We have to eat lots of potato to show them Turkey is a good market for their potatoes.
 

Mehmet: But potatoes come from Utah, not Ohio.

Ahmet: Oota, Ohyo, Illinoize… On the map all 48 states look like boxes.
 

Mehmet: While you are trying to improve our trade relations, I’ve been talking to a friend who says all the talk about Turkey’s economic boom is a sham:  They say Erdogan is distracting us with the Israeli conflict because the economy will explode soon.

Ahmet: That’s what you learn when waste your time with those Mountain Turk Communists… traitors…
 

Mehmet: Bosh! My friend copied it from a banned foreign Internet site. He printed the report for me. It says that an American official believes Turkey is an economic paper tiger.
 

Ahmet: Paper tiger? There are no tigers in Turkey.

Mehmet: It means cardboard, like a movie set. Like our dalgha. Here, I’ll read it. “Turkey’s GDP growth rate is artificially inflated by out-of-control credit pumped out by Turkey’s central bank to create a short-term bubble. Turkey is fast sinking into deep economic slump.” I don’t understand all of it, but it doesn’t sound good.
 

Ahmet: Vay, vay. There goes my plan to take that bus tour to the ancient Turkish ruins of Ephesus, Bergamon and Troy.
 

Mehmet: Listen to this… This American also says, “Turkey’s current account deficit has reached about the same crisis level as those of Greece and Portugal and its currency faces devaluation.”
 

Ahmet: Enough. I have heard all the lies I can take in one week.  I wonder where your Communist friends found this propaganda.  My son’s teacher always says, “Cherchez le Yahood.” It means Jews are behind all conspiracies. If not them, then it’s the gavoor Ermenler. They want to hurt our padishah Erdokhan.
 

Mehmet: Erdokhan… I like that. Did you make it up?
 

Ahmet: Oolan… You know, you are not the only one who went to Imam Alpaslan’s medresse.
 

Memet: The Jews are arming the Mountain Turks; they may become friends with Ermenler; they are helping the Greeks; they are inciting Azeris to disobey us. I think they will soon tell Americans to send their Sixth Fleet to the Eastern Mediterranean, to our ancestral waters.

Ahmet: America is nothing. It owes $40 trillion to China. Americans are fleeing from Iraq and Afghanistan because they can’t beat our Moslem warriors. America is … what did you say? A paper tiger. Brother Hussein Obama is secretly working for us: He will bring down America.   
 

Mehmet: Did you hear Brother Hussein banned Christmas celebrations at the White House? It’s time to avenge the Battle of Labanto.

Ahmet: Battle of Labanto?

Mehmet: I think that’s what it’s called. A few hundred years ago the European nations made a sneak attack on our navy at Labanto in Greece. We were, sort of, defeated… You see, those crooked Venetian merchants had sold us broken cannons. I think Turkish children should start their classes by singing “Remember the Labanto!”

Ahmet: Did you hear Erdokhan’s speech at the UN?
 

Mehmet: Of course, I did, but before we face the Sixth Fleet we should make some moves:  Turkish should become an official language at the UN; we should become a member of UN’s Security Council. When we become a diplomatic heavyweight, the Americans will not be so eager to attack us, no matter what the Yahoodis want. Inshallah, with Arab votes we will succeed at the UN.

Ahmet: That’s a very smart analysis. Where did you read it, Mehmet?
 

Mehmet: There you go insulting me again. I, too, attended the imam’s medresse.
 

Ahmet: I apologize. Here, arkhadash, have some Ohyo potato with your kehve.