Coffee with Ahmet and Mehmet

By Jirair Tutunjian, 9 September 2011
 
Ahmet and Mehmet are having their morning “kehve” (coffee) at a café in Turkish provincial town deep in Anatolia . Ahmet is scanning the newspaper.
====================================
Mehmet: What’s new in the “Turan Daily News”? 
 
Ahmet: There’s a story on page one about the Israeli foreign minister Lieberman saying that Turkey should give Mt. Ararat to Ermenistan.
 

By Jirair Tutunjian, 9 September 2011
 
Ahmet and Mehmet are having their morning “kehve” (coffee) at a café in Turkish provincial town deep in Anatolia . Ahmet is scanning the newspaper.
====================================
Mehmet: What’s new in the “Turan Daily News”? 
 
Ahmet: There’s a story on page one about the Israeli foreign minister Lieberman saying that Turkey should give Mt. Ararat to Ermenistan.
 
Mehmet: Yes, I saw that on TV last night. I looked up the map of Turkey, but I couldn’t find Mt. Ararat. There must be some mistake. There’s no Mt. Ararat.
 
Ahmet: You never know… it could be a Jewish trick. They want to confuse us. Maybe it’s Mt. Arafat.
 
Mehmet: I thought that was in Holy Mecca.  Anything else in the newspaper?

Ahmet: That Lieberman says Turkey should recognize the Armenian Genocide.
 
Mehmet: Now, I like that. We all know how Armenians committed genocide against the Turks. Yes, we should not keep silent any longer: we should publicize the Armenian Genocide of our people. I guess the Israelis are pushing for genocide recognition to improve their ties with us. I tell you, Ahmet, Jews are afraid of us. They know we have atomic bombs at the Incerlik base, near Adana.
 
Ahmet: Don’t start me on Incerlik. Those Gavoor Ermenler are now saying Incerlik beongs to them. Next thing they will claim all of Eastern Turkey belongs to them. We made a mistake… We shouldn’t have allowed a single Armenian survive their deportation. This is what happens when you are soft-hearted.
 
Ahmet: Forget them. Ermenistan has fewer than two million people. I am talking about the Israelis. They will have no chance against our invincible navy when we escort the flotilla to Gaza.
 
Mehmet: It’s not going to be like the parting of the Red Sea for Moses and the Israelis. Hey, did you know Gaza was originally called Gazi, after “Gazi” Mustapha Kemal the Conqueror? Jews changed the name to Gaza. You, of course, remember how Ataturk beat the Gavoor British and French forces in Palestine during the First World War.
 
Ahmet: Of course, I do. Why, the capital of Jordan is still called “Amaan” because that’s what the Gavoor  British and French soldiers were wailing when our mighty Gazi Ataturk put them to the yataghan. You know something Mehmet, Thanks to our educational system we know so much about the glorious history of Turkey.
 
Ahmet: That’s why I enjoy these coffee conversations with you, Mehmet. We know so much. Talking about Ataturk, I hear some people are calling Erdogan “Ataturk II.”
 
Mehmet: I don’t know about that… Ataturk wouldn’t like some of the things Erdogan is doing.
 
Ahmet: But  Mehmet, arkhadash. Gazi Ataturk would love Erdogan. Just wait and see: Erdogan will conquer all the Arab countries, without even firing a bullet—from Morocco to Kuwait—and restore our Ottoman Empire. Tell you something… I think we should call him Erdogan Sultan and Davutoglu his Vizier.
 
Mehmet: I don’t trust that Davutoglu fellow. With that name and face, those glasses, his teaching profession… he must surely be the son of a deunme Jew… “Son of David.” Check it out… Read the bestseller “The White Man.” It will tell you about the Deunme -Freemason-Zionist-Rothschild conspiracy. His father was probably from Salonika.

Ahmet: Those Mountain Turks are in the news again. Why don’t they come down from the mountains and join us—the civilized, peace loving Turks of the lowlands?

Mehmet: They are getting too fancy for their breeches. Now they want us to call them Kurd. Say it fast, it sounds like Turk. How soon they forget that for years we allowed them to loot Gavoor Ermenler and steal their women. Weren’t Sultan Abdul Hamid’s Hamidiyes all Mountain Turk bandits?

Ahmet: Some people have violence and greed in their DNA. You can’t change that.
 
Mehmet: What’s DNA?

Ahmet: I think it’s a spice or something Kurds sprinkle on their shish-kebab. It makes them violent and raises their blood pressure.

Ahmet:  Ahhh…  What are we going to do about Cyprus? Those Gavoor Greeks want to drill for underwater oil near the Turkish island.
 
Mehmet: Don’t worry, arkhadash.  After we finish off the Israel navy, the cowardly Greeks would keep their mouth shut—just like their Patriarch in Istanbul.  Cyprus… I mean “Kbrz.” What kind of name is that for a country?

Ahmet: Shh… Somebody might say the same thing about our country.
 
                                                                                                                                                        
5 comments
  1. A&M

    This is the second time this month that you have published a humorous column by Jirair Tutunjian. I think "Ahmet and Mehmet" is funny and pointed. I hope you consider making "Ahmet and Mehmet" a semi-regular column.

    1. Wholeheartedly

      I wholeheartedly support this timely suggestion. Mr. Tutunjian seems to have a talent that we have not previously seen. Diaspora is sorely in need of  a satirist reflecting on current events whether related to Turkey, international affairs, and why not Armenian life.

  2. Wonderful. I Enjoyed a Lot

    Wonderful. I enjoyed a lot reading the humor of this article. I think Mr. Tutunjian is in his way to be an Odian or Baronyan.

    Tzer kreechee, togh mish talar mina, Baron Jirair!

    Bolsetzi Hasmig

    1. Ahmet—Mehmet

      Dear Hasmig,

      Thank you for your kind words. I would like to write more often about our friends–Ahmet and Mehmet–but unfortunately only a handful (60?) of people have read it on this site. A writer needs readers to write. But then again, I might overhear the two Turkish pundits discussing some interesting topic and decide to report their keen words.

      Jirair

Comments are closed.

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