Goodbye, Columbus

Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 16 November 2014

Poor, abused, ignored Christopher Columbus. Despite his best efforts, the Genoese navigator was never appreciated by the Spanish rulers on whose behalf he recklessly sailed west to find a new route to India. And then the hemisphere that he discovered was named after Amerigo Vespucci by an ignorant German cartographer.

To add insult to injury, some years ago archeologists declared the Vikings had settled in what is now Canada and New England centuries before the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria chased the sun. And now comes the final insult from archeologist-alchemist-geographer-historian extraordinaire Recep Tayyip Erdogan, who when not making earth-shattering discoveries, moonlights as the absolute ruler of Turkey with a $600-million brand-new presidential palace to prove it.

Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 16 November 2014

Poor, abused, ignored Christopher Columbus. Despite his best efforts, the Genoese navigator was never appreciated by the Spanish rulers on whose behalf he recklessly sailed west to find a new route to India. And then the hemisphere that he discovered was named after Amerigo Vespucci by an ignorant German cartographer.

To add insult to injury, some years ago archeologists declared the Vikings had settled in what is now Canada and New England centuries before the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria chased the sun. And now comes the final insult from archeologist-alchemist-geographer-historian extraordinaire Recep Tayyip Erdogan, who when not making earth-shattering discoveries, moonlights as the absolute ruler of Turkey with a $600-million brand-new presidential palace to prove it.

So what’s the new and stunning discovery from Prof. Erdogan’s scriptorium-cum-laboratory?  America was discovered by Muslims in the 12^th century. Americanologist Erdogan even provided the exact year of the discovery: 1178. That’s what’s new from the Erdogan Institution of Loony Toons. During a television speech in Istanbul at the summit of Latin American Muslim leaders, on Nov. 15, Dr. Erdogan revealed that Columbus had mentioned the existence of a mosque on a hill along the Cuban coast. He didn’t say whether it was on the northern shore, close to the tourist-infested Varadero resort, or on the southern coast near Guantanamo. The audience, of course, lapped it up, since… the Muslim leaders were all on an all-expenses paid guests of Erdogan. As well, they were probably cognizant of the ancient observation that a rich man’s joke is always funny.

Archeologist “Turkana Jones” Erdogan added he was very eager to participate in the construction of a new mosque where the pre-Columbian mosque had once pierced the blue skies of the Caribbean. To wit, he said: “I would like to tell my Cuban brothers, a mosque would be perfectly well suited on this hill today as well.” End of quote.

Although Prof. Erdogan thinks his discovery would change history, he is sadly a Johnny-come lately to “Muslims Discovered America” scholarship. Any child who looks at the map of the Americas can point numerous examples of ancient Muslim presence in the Western Hemisphere.  For example, it has been endubitedly proven by etymologists at the University of Batman (Turkey) that Havana is a corruption of the Arabic Habena (“We loved it”).  In fact, Cubans call the city Habana. Haiti is another one. It means “My Life” in Arabic. While Bahamas means zeal. That’s where the Palestinian Hamas probably got its name. There’s an Abuna (Brazil) which means “Our Father”. There are also countless Adamses, meaning bone in Arabic. Alaska, of course, is the corruption of Al Aqsa of Jerusalem. Amarillo (Texas) means the moon. Alabama, Alagoaz, Albion, Aleutian, Algoma, Algonquin and countless other American place names of Arabic or Muslim origin don’t require exegesis.

And how one can ignore the Turks and Caicos Islands in the Caribbean? Those were settled by Turkish immigrants in times immemorial. Caicos (plural of caic) means boats in Turkish. Not too far from those islands, in the Florida Keys, one can find the Islamorada islet. An eager-beaver Boy Scout, armed with an AAA map, should be able to locate a mosque or a madrassa there, without much effort. Meanwhile, there are Lebanons in no less than four American states (Kentucky, Missouri, New Hampshire, and Pennsylvania).

But absent-minded professor Erdogan has a point: Muslims were crucial in the discovery of the Americas.  Because the Ottoman Turks wouldn’t allow European merchants to travel east to India, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain were forced to find a western route to India… and thus Columbus bumped into yet another Muslim presence… in Cuba.

Several years ago Prof. Erdogans creative mignons in Ankara and in Istanbul proved convincingly that the American Natives were of Turkic origins. The Turks had travelled from Central Asia to Mongolia, China, north of today’s Far East Russia, and crossed the Bering Straits. Then they had proceeded to fertilize the Americas, all the way to Tierra del Fuego. The Erdogan wanabees even discovered countless Native American words which were similar to Turkish. Turkish consuls showed up at Native community functions, the peace pipe was passed around; Ankara made donations to Native tribes, granted scholarships to young Natives, and invited some of their chiefs to Istanbul junkets.

Apparently proving that the American Natives were Turks didn’t impress anyone outside President Erdogan’s authoritarian jurisdiction. The diligent professor has now decided to prove that eons after Turks settled in the Americas, Muslim navigators rediscovered them… and the Western Hemisphere.

What’s next, Prof. Imaginarium? Turks invented farming, monotheism, the alphabet, philosophy, all the arts, the printing press, the Law of Gravity, the Heisenberg Theory, the Theory of Relativity and the laws of aerodynamics, computers, nuclear energy, toothpaste, the under-arm deodorant, french fries, Hula Hoop…? And Turkish astronauts landed on the sun in 10,000 B.C.?  Is it that latent sunstroke which has made Prof. Erdogan such a versatile babbler of nonsense?