Help Needed for a Two-Champagne Problem

by Avedis Kevorkian, Philadelphia PA, November 7, 2007

This is a plea for helpful advice about what to do with the two bottles of Champagne in my fridge.

by Avedis Kevorkian, Philadelphia PA, November 7, 2007

This is a plea for helpful advice about what to do with the two bottles of Champagne in my fridge.

You see, the problem started with last November’s elections. That was when the Democratic Party won both the Senate and the House of Representatives, in the Congress, and the Armenians–well, at least those who have declared themselves our leaders and our spokesmen and who have access to the media and the Internet–proclaimed that it was the greatest occasion since the invention of sex and whiskey and that "now, at last, a Genocide-recognition legislation will go through."
  
So, I put a bottle of Champagne in the fridge.
  
Then, we had the news that Nancy Pelosi would be the Speaker of the House of Representatives and that she was a great friend of the Armenians and a great supporter of Recognition bills and that it was a sure thing for the next Congress to approve a Recognition bill.
  
So, I put the second bottle in the fridge. "It will be a wild party," I said to myself, "and I may get drunk for the first time in my life."
  
The new Congress convened, the Democrats took over, but a Resolution recognizing the Armenian Genocide (it was to bear the label HR106) was not introduced until the end of the month because the Freshmen Democrats were still wandering the halls of Congress looking for the nearest toilets. But, each time I opened the fridge, I set thirsty eyes on the Champagne. (Can eyes be "thirsty"? Well, you now what I mean.)
  
Thought I, the Committee vote will be scheduled for February, to join the other auspicious days–marking the births of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. But, No.
  
It will be scheduled for March, to mark the vernal equinox. But, No.
  
Ah, it will be in April. Of course, on April 24. It is so obviously correct. But, No.
  
Ah, it will be in May, on Memorial Day. Yes, that’s it, on a day when people honor the dead of our wars. But, No.
  
Ah, it will be in June, to mark Arbor Day. But, No.
  
Ah, of course, it will be on July 4. Yes, the Democratic leadership will want to make this a really auspicious vote. But, No.
  
Ah, it will be in August to mark the anniversary of the death of that great Icelandic general, Achilleas Rabinowitz, who died in the war of independence of the Fiji Islanders against the oppressive Patagonians. But, No.
  
Ah, it will be in September, to mark the autumnal equinox. But, No.
  
Yes, of course, it will be on October 17, to mark the anniversary of the Battle of Saratoga, in 1777, the first major victory of the American Colonists against Britain, in the War for Independence. What a great idea!
  
But, the Democratic leadership–under Saint Nancy–decided to mark the famous "double-10," when, on October 10, 1911, Sun Yat-sen overthrew the Manchu Emperor, establishing China as a republic and outlawing the pig-tail.
  
However, during all the months of waiting, the Armenians weren’t idle. They were proclaiming to everyone–well, at least, to the Armenians–how wonderful would be the day of the Committee vote, and how each of them had pulled off the victory, and not those other Armenians over there. ("And, please send money.")
  
It would appear, however, that the Turks were not idle, either. Of course, they would have been aware of the significance of the Democratic Party’s winning both Houses of Congress. They would have been aware that a Genocide-recognition measure would be introduced, they would have been aware that this time it might pass–if it got to the Committee-vote stage and to the Floor of the House.
  
But with their megaphones, and breast-beating hosannas and hurrahs and the point-scoring, the three Armenian advocacy/lobbying groups and the loud-mouth Armenians merely served to alarm the Turks who pulled out their most important weapons–money and influence–to almost defeat HR106. So, in the end, the Committee vote was a close-run thing and was a sign that the measure would die. It has now been "tabled."
  
It was inevitable. With the Turks mounting a multi-million-dollar campaign, with their Government leaders spending more time in Washington than in Ankara, with their Parliamentarians coming over in waves (I think with envy at all the air-miles they must have accumulated), they slowly and surely chipped away at the so-called "support" from our so-called "friends" in Congress. The Turkish leaders were in and out of the White House so often, one would have thought they were prospective buyers. (Which probably explains why the President was "too busy" to see Karekin II, when he was in Washington.)
  
So, thanks to the inept leadership of the Democratic Party and with copies of HR106 now lining the garbage pails in the kitchens in the House of Representatives, I have the problem with the two bottles of Champagne in my fridge, next to the carton of left-over pizza that now looks like the Italian flag with the red of the tomato sauce, the off-white of the Mozzarella cheese, and that lovely green thing growing on top.
  
How long can Champagne stay in a refrigerator before it goes flat? Will it go flat? If I remove the bottles and put them back on my wine rack, will they now go flat? You get the problem, I am sure.
 
Answers on a postcard, please, by way of the editor.
 
(I wonder if I can frame the pizza in some way and give it to an Italian friend for a Christmas present.)
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