By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 13 August 2016
On July 8 of this year Armenia’s ARKA news outlet announced that a group of archeologists had discovered Yerevan’s oldest street. The 30-ft. tile-paved passageway is 2,700-years-old and is near the temple of Haldi. Although the discovery was “unique and unprecedented”, according to archeologist Mikael Badalyan, there was no media follow-up in the days after the report.
Intrigued by the lack of further reports about the site, Professor and Doctor (18 honorary professorships and doctorates from universities in Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan, three Turkish, Jordanian, and Azeri…) President Ilham Aliyev of Azerbaijan, who several months ago revealed that the “Khanate of Erivan and Zankezur are part of the Azerbaijan homeland”, sent a secret crack team of archeologists to the Yerevan site to probe the reason for the secrecy surrounding the Street with No Name. Within ten days the Azeri Indiana Jones team, which had pretended to be Iranian tourists, returned to Baku laden with tons of data about Yerevan’s oldest street. Ecstatic by what the clandestine team had discovered, President-for-Life Aliyev delivered an address to his 9-million subjects where he exposed the “mendacious games the illegal occupational government of Armenia is playing to cover up” the secrets of Yerevan’s newfound street.
Here are the highlights of the history-changing revelations made by President Aliyev, Light of the Turkic People, Hero of the Caspian, Avenger of Shusha, Savior of Khojali, Son of Heydar the Great, Liberator of Nagorno-Karabakh…
—The fascist-racist colonial regime in Yerevan has halted the excavations of the oldest street and deep-sixed further digging because of the civilization-shattering facts the Azeri secret team unearthed there. For example, the Yerevan street’s ancient name was Ilham Yolu (Ilham Street) and was built 5,000 years ago by Sarsam III, king of proto-Azerbaijan which was called Aliyevstan.
—Aliyevstan stretched from the Gulf of Azer (now Persian Gulf /Arabian Gulf depending which imperialist atlas you check) in the south to the Kara (Black) Sea and Mount Elbruz (in Georgia) in the north. It stretched from the eastern shores of the Caspian Sea to the Mediterranean (Gulf of Shiite Jihad). One of its major cities was Yaravan which means “the house of the loved one” in Azeri. Nearby was the province of Nakhwan which Armenians changed to Nakhichevan.
—Tambal, the capital of Aliyevstan, was on top of Mt. Agri which racist people call Mt. Ararat. Noah was a true-blue Azeri born in Tambal. He was the head carpenter at the court of King Sarsari II. Upon hearing of his talent, Allah ordered him to build the famous Ark. Thus humanity descends from the Azeris.
—Upon landing at the foot of Mt. Agri, Noah immediately invented wine, beer, Cognac, Champagne and spritzers. However, following the untimely deaths of a number of King Sarsams, Sarsaris, and Sakhatts due to overindulgence, viniculture was banned. In the 7th century, the Azeri emperor Padishah Dali Sanam IV sent a delegation to Mecca to persuade Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon him (PBUH), to ban liquor. The Azeri emissaries also persuaded the Prophet, PBUH, to ban pork because “oink, oink” is a deeply offensive term in classical Azeri. The Prophet (PBUH) bestowed the title of “Caliph” upon the Azeri padishah, although the unworthy successors of the Prophet (PBUH) usurped the title which resulted in the Sunni/Shiite disagreement.
The Azeri archeologists also dug up several 5,000-year-old tomes written in Azeroid, the first alphabet of the world. The alphabet had 498 fonts, including serif and sans serif; upper case, lower case and middle case. What’s erroneously is now referred to as Italic and Roman were originally named Azeric and Bakulic. Despite their age, the leather-bound books were in mint condition, testifying to the printing and binding excellence of ancient Alievites.
The primordial ancestors of the Alievites also discovered fire. The latter was admittedly facilitated by the Allah-given petroleum and natural gas which spout here 24/7. Alievites, who had fleets in the Caspian and the Gulf of Azer, shipped fuel all the way to Said, now called Sidney in Australia, to Fizuli, now called Fiji in the Pacific Ocean and to California which is named after Caliph Orna. “Tartar” derives from the tar Alievites exported to Central Asia.
While the highly-advanced Alievistan flourished for millennia before the advent of the Sumerians, the Egyptians, Ultima Thule, and Atlantis, the decline of the empire began 800 years before the birth of Prophet (PBUH). That is when a barbarian tribe crossed from Europe and advanced east to the area around Lake Van, now mostly inhabited by the rebellious and treacherous Mountain Turks. To confuse strangers, the barbarian tribe called itself many names…Ermeni, Hai, Haig, Nairi, Khaldi, Ooradoo… But no matter their name, they were a primitive people who ate raw meat which they called chee kofteh. Taking pity on the homeless nomads, Emperor Beyinsiz Sanam III welcomed them to his empire and provided them with soup kitchens. Again, our innate compassion proved to be our fatal flaw. The barbarian Ermenler were cunning, sly, treacherous, underhanded, foxy, crafty, tricky, wily, shifty and good at business. Within a short time through duplicity these beggars became money-changers and bankers who controlled our economy while their crooked businessmen took over our clay tablets and papyrus newspapers.
Then at a secret meeting on the northern shores of Lake Van their cabal of wise elders compiled a protocol for the takeover the Azeri empire. The cabal secretly allied with the Persians and poisoned Emperor Aptal VI, the royal family, the nobility, the spiritual leaders and the generals. They then divided the empire between them. Out of their alliance were born the Pahlavi Empire and Ermenistan. But Allah-willing, Ermenistan’s days are numbered. Soon the Azeri armed forces will take back the lost lands, convert gavoor Echmiadzin to the original madrasah; Yerevan will once again be a khanate; the idols called Babig and Mamig in Khojali will be beheaded. To spare them from the just ire of the Azeri people, the government will deport gavoor Ermenler southwest, to the Arabian Desert. From the ancient Yerevan street will rise glorious Turania. To celebrate the glorious, President-for-Life Aliyev will give every Azeri subject the 16 volume “Complete and Annotated Speeches of Heydar Aliev”… Glory to Alievstan, glory to the noble Aliyev familocracy, glory to Great Patriot and Atazerbaijan Heydar Aliev, and glory to glorious leader Ilham Aliyev who despite his first name is a good Muslim and doesn’t eat ham.
President-for-Life Ilham Aliyev ended his speech by announcing that the sale of croissant will be banned across Greater Azerbaijan because the French pastry’s crescent shape makes it sacrilegious to all observant Azeris.