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|Celestial Neighbors Hold Emergency Meeting
By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 17 July 2023
The minutes of the emergency meeting of Galaxia Amruchi, a convention of nine planets between Mars and the Moon. The gathering, convened and hosted by the Supreme Lord of the galaxy, was held to decide Galaxia Amruchi’s reaction to the martial developments on Earth or what Galaxia Amruchi denizens refer to as the Mad Blue Ball.
Lord Supreme: Brother Kroto, tell us what the suicidal lunatics down there are up to this week.
Prince Kroto XI: The strongest and richest Earth conglomerate, known as the United States of Europe (USE), is courting thermonuclear war which may evaporate 8 billion people, not all of them lunatics or guilty.
Lord Supreme : In the past 6,000 years the mad people of the Blue Ball have killed countless millions of their own kind and yet have never learned war is not the answer. They have even forgotten that more than 100 million were killed in what they call WWI and WWII. What’s the reason for the current suicidal madness?
Prince Kroto XI: USE, which has ruled the Mad Blue Ball for the past 400 years, fears Ruschi might end USE’s hegemony. Ruschi says it’s fed up with USE hegemony and wants a bipolar world. By the way, bipolar is also a mental problem down there. Both sides are flexing their muscles. USE’s defense budget of $800 billion is more than the combined defense budgets of the next ten nations. It also has 800 military bases around the Ball. However, Ruschi has far more nuclear warheads than USE.
Alfa Santori: Are we going to stop their suicidal madness?
Lord Mordant: Since they crawled from their caves, they have waged countless wars and killed millions of their own kind. I say let them indulge in their imperial pathologies and disappear in a nuclear Armageddon. Good riddance, I say.
Lord Seenik: I am with you, Lord Mordant. It would be no loss to the universe. I understand 25 species disappear every day in the Mad Ball while the lunatics and aberrations there are more interested in counting how many genders they have.
Alfa Santori: But my lords. If we let them proceed with their madness, they would kill billions of innocent people who are not participants in the criminal rivalry.
Lord Seenik: You have to break an egg to make an omelet. Hah. That’s a phrase I caught on the interplanetary communication wireless.
Alfa Santori: Excuse me, Lord Seenik…you’re talking nonsense. What is an egg? What’s omelet?
Lord Supreme: Temper, temper, my friends.
Alfa Santori: I say we should save the madmen down there from self-destruction. We have to behave like civilized neighbors.
Lord Seenik: My colleague Santori has forgotten that we have tried many times to educate them but to no avail. You might remember eighty Earth years ago we sent a peace delegation to USE, to a place called Roswell, New Mexico to make them better entities or in their language better human beings. And what did they do? They killed our unarmed crew and hid their bodies in frozen boxes. They then had the temerity to make up insulting stories about us in an immoral toy-town called Hollywood: they claimed we were planning to invade their mad house.
Lord Supreme: Let’s have a show of hands. How many want to see the Mad Ball self-destruct and how many want us to stop USE and Ruschi from going to war.
Lord Seenik: My Lords, Princes, and Lord Supreme, please listen to me. Since these entities called homo sapiens materialized, they have pillaged and abused their own planet. They have polluted their air and poisoned their waters. Since they appeared, 90 percent of their planet’s species have disappeared. While they ransack their planet, these hypocrites declare Save the Planet Day, Earth Days, Hug a Tree Day, Be Nice to Your Pet Day ... These humanoids don’t deserve to exist. Now they are legalizing the abominable cluster bomb. Just a few years ago, a miserable entity called Azerbaijan killed thousands of Armenian civilians with these cluster bombs. None of the so-called Great Powers chided them let alone punish the vicious dictator who rules Azerbaijan. Cluster bombs are the latest scurvy of their hypocritical planet.
Alfa Santori: How do you propose we erase these humanoids from the universe?
Lord Seenik: Let me count the ways. We have the technology to raise the level of their oceans. We can initiate tectonic quakes that would turn continents into mush. We can launch 1,000 volcanic eruptions and choke them in poisonous gases. We can reverse the magnetic poles and play havoc with every electronic equipment. It would drop planes from the skies. We can bring about a new Ice Age. We can incinerate them with Death Rays. We can spread a deadly virus…let’s call it COVID… and eliminate them all.
Lord Supreme: But Lord Seenik, why go into all that trouble when they are already so eager to commit suicide?
Illustration by concept artist Chris Fernezian.
It takes fabulous imagination to create anything remotely or closely similar to “Celestial Neighbors”. Hailing the genii Dr Abrahamian and Mr Tutunjian.
As a watchmaker I made tiny gyro weights for the Cruise missile; I also worked at Canadian Arsenals where they made small shrapnel for land mines later improved to be made in plastic because metal shrapnel could be seen by x-rays --- better to keep them invisible so they would stay in the body for years. -- Victor Fletcher