KeghartBy Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 10 January 2025
A married man is lying alone in bed. He wakes up in a sweat because of an eerie sound at the door. The heavy door opens with an unworldly whisper. A bearded giant of a man is staring at him. The apparition, which is holding a thick staff, has long greasy hair and is wearing an ornate coat.
Man: Who the dickens are you? What are you doing here? Are you a ghost?
Ghost: I am the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come.
Man: You are late. Christmas was a week ago.
Ghost: I am late because I had to visit people who, unlike you, are worthy of my generosity.
Man: You look vaguely look like my former partner, the late Jacob Marlyan.
Ghost: I am the ghost of Marlyan. I see you have shaved your beard. Does it mean you don’t believe Samson’s story: his strength was in his hair, says the Bible.
Man: I don’t believe such nonsense. I am a progressive modern man. I am also the leader of a country.
Ghost: Wonders never cease. You, the leader of a country? Who are the imbeciles who elected you? Who would trust you? I see you are alone in bed.
Man: Not that it is any of your business, but my elegant and beautiful wife is at a fashion show. Tell me what Christmas presents do you have for me?
Ghost: You do have a sense of humor. I was told you are dour and dull.
Man: You obviously are listening to the useless Diaspora crowd.
Ghost: I don’t have to listen to anyone. I have eyes and ears. I hear your much-traveled wife spent a week in Italy recently and you approved her expenses to be covered by the state.
Man: That’s a lie. It’s obvious the hired media, the Diaspora media have been feeding you lies.
Ghost: Don’t be paranoid. I read in L’Osservatore Romano that although she stayed at a five-star hotel in Rome, you lied that she had stayed in a modest hotel. Your fashionable wife also had her personal hairstylist travel with her.
Man: What’s wrong with that? She represents our progressive and Westernized society. She should look elegant.
Ghost: But I also saw her in several revealing dresses. One particular designer costume revealed parts of her breasts while in another, most of her torso was naked.
Man: How many times should I tell you we are Westernized, liberal, feminist, and democratic society which believes in DIE…diversity, inclusiveness, and equality? We are not Russian mujiks.
Ghost: Your elegant wife, who was a yellow journalist before your so-called color —yellow?—revolution, visited Ukrainian orphans in Rome. Apparently, it never occurred to her to visit Artsakh orphans who lost their parents mostly because of your blunders. Some people go as far as to allege you didn’t blunder. Even your father opposed your appointment as prime minister. You might have plotted with Aliev and Erdogan the loss of Artsakh and the exile of 120,000 of your people.
Man: Guards, guards… I’ll order the palace security to throw you out.
Ghost: If your guards appear, they will think you have lost your mind because I am visible only to you. Tell me about your embassies in Paris and London which are located in the most expensive neighborhoods of those expensive capitals. The London embassy is in the exclusive Pall Mall neighborhood while the Paris embassy is the former palace of President Valerie Giscard-d’Estaing.
Man: You are dead. How would you understand politics? We have to impress our host countries by showing how fat our wallets are.
Ghost: The combined price of those embassies is about $46 million. Recently, Himnatram of Toronto raised $235,000 which was used to build a two-storey medical center in a village called Ljap. In other words, with $45 million you could have built 191 medical centers in your homeland… instead of trying to impress John Dullard or some Jean-Francois who probably laughed at your pretensions.
Man: (Pulls a gun from under his silken pillow.) Get out or I’ll shoot.
Ghost: Are you stupid? How are you going to kill a ghost? You should have lent that gun to one of your young soldiers who died because your army was inadequately armed, partly thanks to you. Oh, I forgot: during the 2020 invasion, your fashionable wife barged into the encampment of your senior military officers and advised them how to run the war. Amazing woman. You should erect a statue of your remarkable wife on top of Madenataran. Next time you have a tete-a-tete with Erdoliev, ask the dynamic duo how to blanket your country with your statues, busts, color drawing, mosaics, murals…
Man: But where are my Christmas presents?
Ghost: My present to you is the knowledge that next Christmas I will visit another prime minister of your country. You and your elegant wife will be living in a foreign country…but far from the luxurious neighborhoods of your Paris and London embassies. As a matter of fact, I have heard you and you excellent wife are Canadian citizens and own a luxurious house in Richmond Hill, north of Toronto. But that might be hearsay, unlike your shortcomings which I have barely touched. Good night, and good cess.
*****
Keghart
Keghart
10 comments
Silly. So silly..
Great piece
Very inventive and a perfect depiction of PM Pashinyan and his wife, Anna, neither of whom has any shame.
Excellent!
Very informed and elaborate ghost. He will be more credible if he can also provide a few alternative (probable) names of the next year’s prime minister he intends to visit: Alain S.? Ararat M.? Lilith M.?
Being diasporan, the Ghost makes observations and not recommendations regarding Armenia.–Keghart.org
Happy Shaving
I wondered, who was the man the Ghost visited? I thought of Trudeau, or maybe Trump, or Aliev. No, not Erdogan, his wife does not fit the image. I am not sure if Putin has a wife. It also did not occur to me that it’s Nikol, but rather I thought of any Armenian man. I was reminded what George Carlin said. Even God had to be a man for no woman fxxks things up as much, especially as Armenian men do. Most of them have banished themselves far away from a country they profess is their homeland they love..
Happy shaving men
Happy shaving in Canada, Jirair.
Since Mr. Apelian has difficulty recognizing the beardless Armenian politician featured in the above article, here are four tips which should help him identify the man through a process of elimination:
1, Cite an Armenian politician who famously had his salt-and-pepper beard shaved recently
2. Cite an Armenian politician whose fashionista wife recently visited Italy and met Ukrainian orphans although she had not met Artsakh orphans…children who had become orphans mostly because of the incompetence (I am being kind) of her husband
3. Cite an Armenian politician who lied about the fact that his wife had stayed at a luxurious Rome hotel and made the state pay for the trip, including the travel expenses of his wife’s hairstylist
4. Cite the name of the wife of an Armenian politician who practiced yellow journalism before her husband became a politician.
If after reading the above Mr. Apelian still fails to identify the said sans beard politician, he should consider subscribing to a dozen or so Armenia media outlets to do intense detective work looking for clues as to the identity of the beardless pol. I understand Mr. Apelian has a blog. Maybe he can ask the countless readers of his blog to help him identity of Mr. Shiny Face.
Lastly, friendly advice to Mr. Apelian: avoid generalizations and desist from using four-letter words, especially in print. You hurt your credibility, such as it is. Control your temper: rants are not the way for effective communication.
Very interesting. It is easy to vilify anyone with accusations, hearsay and innuendoes that must be be proven if it is to be believed.
Better to come up with concrete proof.
“When debate is lost the looser resorts to slander” Socrates
Quoting a well-respected source (Socrates in this instance) is an admission of failure to persuade. It’s like calling your older brother or father to help you out. Hovanes, try to make your point without bringing outside help. By the way, most of the time for every “wise saying” there’s an opposite quote.