By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 12 June 2023
Canadian Royal Commission on Global Warming presided by Prof. Arbuthnot Claptrap-Nutter of Toronto’s Metropolitan University.
Presentations will be made by delegates from Reluctant Foresters, Non-Smoking Campers, Tree-Huggers Anonymous, Farmers Unanimous, The End Is Nigh, I Told You So , We Have 32 Days Left” doomsters, Proud Bible-Thumpers, representatives of the Burn, Baby, Burn, and others of the expertocracy. Independent observer Oona Lachrymose will be the first to address.
OONA: The recent Canadian fires, which raised global temperatures, will transform the globe into a Sahara-Thar-Gobi-Empty Quarter desert within a generation.
JUDGE: Your doomster speculation is of no value without evidence.
OONA: It’s all in my Facebook, my Apps, my….
BURN, BABY, BURN: Judge, it’s the rise in global temperatures that is responsible for the forest fires rather than the reverse.
JUDGE: Vacate the premises for jumping the queue. Officer, escort this man to EXIT.
RELUCTANT FORESTERS: Contrary to the mainstream media, the number-one cause for forest fires is campfires and the second is arson. Next is lightning. Government budget cuts is the other culprit. When dead wood is not cleared, it turns into kindling…spontaneous combustion is yet another reason.
JUDGE: Surprise, surprise: it’s again the government’s fault. You want a Nanny State to coddle you. Let’s now hear from the Non-Smoking Campers.
NON-SMOKING CAMPER: I find appalling the ignorance surrounding me here. Why blame homo sapiens for global warming when everybody knows global warming is caused by the… sun. My investigations of “Little Richard Almanac” show the sun has got one inch closer to the Earth since Trudeau and Zelinskiy were elected. It’s Devine’s way of punishing us for electing the thespian Cuban boy and the dancing—in high heels—of the Ukrainian joker.
JUDGE: How was this…this moron allowed to address us? Officer, take him out. Let’s now hear from the We Have Only 33 Days Left spokee.
WE HAVE ONLY 32 DAYS Left: Judge, it’s 32 Days.
JUDGE: Whadever. I’m extending your life.
WE HAVE ONLY 32 DAYS: America has 55,000 wind turbans. I don’t know why they didn’t build them in Chicago, the Windy City. Canada should erect them also in Winnipeg…our Windy City.
JUDGE: Did you say 55,000 wind turbans? Are they Muslim or Hindu turbans? Before wasting my time, you better take an ESL course: that’s English as Second Language.
FARMERS UNANIMOUS: WHO32DL is talking through a hole in her feathered hat. Wind turbines kill 1,200,000 birds every year. Talking about killing… environuts want to slaughter cattle because cows emit gases causing global warming. It’s obvious they’re acolytes of Klaus Schwab of the fascist World Economic Forum.
JUDGE: And what’s your point?
FARMERS UNANIMOUS: My point is how do I earn a living when the government orders the slaughter of my cows? Fewer cows means the price of milk, cheese, butter, buttermilk, yogurt, chocolate, cream cheese, cheese cake, ice cream…will soar.
JUDGE: Enough of your lugubrious list. We have to look at the big picture.
FARMERS UNANIMOUS: I give you the big picture: one of the biggest gas producers is the bean. India is the world’s top producer of beans. What will happen to its economy if beans are banned? How will millions of peasants survive when bean prices go sky-high because of the ban?
JUDGE: It’s obvious you are a congenital worrier. Try clonazepam and don’t come tomorrow. You’ve got to learn to look at the big picture.
THE END IS NIGH: The West is obsessed with reducing CO2 which it claims causes global-warming. I got news for them… China and India are responsible for 52.5 percent of the global CO2 emissions. In other words, Canada’s attempt to reduce its infinitesimal CO2 emission is virtue signaling, laughable, ridiculous, pointless, meaningless, insignificant, pathetic, futile…
JUDGE: Enough. I get it. You are a walking Thesaurus and a show-off. And you gave me a headache. Don’t come tomorrow.
TREE-HUGGERS ANONYMOUS: One of the farmers said if beans are banned, millions of farmers would be in financial trouble. Judge, I have a solution to the problem.
Eons ago, Indians cultivated a plant called vatinganah. Arabs called it badinjan and took it to Spain where it became alberginia. The French called it aubergine. We call it eggplant. Why was the plant popular? In Sanskrit vatinganah means “gas suppressor.” Eggplant suppresses the emission of gases.
The solution is as clear as sunrise over the Himalayas: Indian bean farmers should plant eggplant. Thanks to its benefits, global demand would increase and the Indian farmers would prosper. It’s a win-win situation.
JUDGE: Finally, someone who is not an imbecile. Now if you could find a solution to CO2-emitting gasoline.
I TOLD YOU SO: There’s a solution….it’s the battery-added drive or BAD. Batteries don’t emit CO2.
FARMERS ANONYMOUS: BAD is right. When the battery dies, the car stops dead in the middle of the road.
JUDGE: I find your negativism revolting and supercilious. How will we succeed if we don’t experiment? We have to look at the big picture. Because of your wet blanket attitude, don’t come tomorrow.
Today’s meeting is adjourned. Let’s see what other aliens, humanoids, and human detritus we have to listen to tomorrow.
Illustration by concept artist Chris Fernezian.