By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 18 June 2020
Since Mehmet joined the government PR team in Ankara two years ago, he and his friend Ahmet haven’t met. They met recently at their haunt—the Ataturk Cafe in Selcuklar in Turkey’s hinterland.
Ahmet: Gule, gule, Mehmet. It’s been a while.
Mehmet: Tashakour, arkhadash.
Ahmet: Are you enjoying Ankara?
Mehmet: It’s a big city.
Ahmet: Selcuklar is becoming big too. I ordered macchiatory for you. We don’t have Starbucks but we know how to make frapanchino. Do you ever see Erdogan?
Mehmet: Not anymore. With the fighting in Syria, Iraq, Libya, and the virus…he’s busy.
Ahmet: The economy is collapsing, the lira has reached record lows, plus raging inflation, and CONA-VARDIS…yet he is waging three wars and is building bases everywhere. What is he thinking?
Mehmet: I’m now with Miili Istihbarat Teshkilati–our intelligence services. I work at the new, $140-million centre. We have 8,000 agents and a $2.2 billion budget. As an employee I can’t talk about Erdogan’s plans.
Ahmet: Ah, so he has a plan. There’s a method to his madness.
Mehmet: Watch what you say. The last time we were here you told me the waiters were spies.
Ahmet: We’ve known each other all our lives. You and I are patriots. But I can’t help wondering about Erdogan’s friendship with pacavra Putin and the billions we are spending on the military while a quarter of our people live in extreme poverty.
Mehmet: Vallahi, Ahmet. I’d be jailed or worse if I told you Erdogan’s secret plan.
Ahmet: Ghorkh ma. I swear upon my parents’, Ataturk’s, and Suleiman the Magnificent’s name. My lips are sealed.
Mehmet: (Scratches his ear, sips his coffee). Think football.
Mehmet: Before becoming president, Erdogan played football with the Karimpasa team. He was centre back.
Ahmet: He was good at surprise attack from the back.
Mehmet: Deshet. You’ve made my job easy (looks left and right and whispers). That football tactic is Erdogan’s secret plan. For 70 years Muslims have tried to take back Falasteen from the Yahoodis and every time we have suffered a bloody nose.
Ahmet: Eshek Arablar don’t know the fine art of killing.
Mehmet: Erdogan is stationing more soldiers in Cyprus, Syria, Iraq, the Gulf, Horn of Africa, Sudan and at secret locations. Although he makes anti-Egypt and anti-Saudi statements, they’re secret allies.
Mehmet: When the time is ripe, Erdogan will give the order for the destruction of Israel.
Ahmet: That’s madness.
Mehmet: Keep your voice down.
Ahmet: Israel can level Ankara and Istanbul with its nuclear bombs.
Mehmet: That’s why the attack will be very fast and from all directions. Before the edepsiz Yahoodis get the chance to launch their atomic bombs we will raze the colony. We will rain bombs from Turkey, Cyprus, Syria, the Gulf, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Horn of Africa, Sudan, and Libya. It will be Armageddon.
Ahmet: Allah wallahi.
Mehmet: That’s why Erdogan has become Putin’s friend. The super-sonic Russian missiles will destroy Israel before Yahoodlar know what hit them. We will then take Armenia. There will be Turanland from Istanbul to China.
Ahmet: Erdogan will revive the Ottoman Empire. He will become greater than Suleiman the Magnificent. Wow.
Mehmet: You can say that again.
A few days later, Ahmet and Mehmet met again at Ataturk Cafe.
Ahmet: Sabah Khaeer.
Mehmet: Gule, gule.
Ahmet: I see you’ve switched to the government-approved greeting. Me? I’m switching to expresso coffee.
Mehmet: Ahmet, you sound angry.
Ahmet: I am worried about Erdogan’s plan to attack Israel.
Mehmet: It’s the biggest secret of Turkey. I took a big chance in telling you.
Ahmet: If Erdogan attacks Israel to liberate Falesteen America would turn Turkey into Shernobeel. Why destroy Turkey for the sake of the incompetent, cowardly, and weakling Arabs? You know, I’ve heard rumors about Erdogan.
Mehmet: What rumors?
Ahmet: That he is not Turkish.
Mehmet: So what?
Ahmet: A Turk wouldn’t be reckless to the point of risking the existence of his homeland and make way for the return of the gavoor Ermenlar and Younanlar.
Mehmet: You’re talking treason.
Ahmet: Tell me who would benefit from the destruction of Turkey? The answer: Ermenistan and Younanistan. So it’s logical that he is a descendant of the leftovers of the sword. Erdogan’s secret mission is to pave the way for the occupation of our lands by those gavoors. Why we didn’t finish the job in 1915 is beyond me.
Mehmet: What evidence do you have to prove your point?
Ahmet: Do you remember several years ago when Ankara released the genetic origins of Turks and the computer system collapsed because many Turks wanted to find out their roots? And do you remember that the research showed that most Turks descend from the indigenous peoples of Anatolia who were forcibly assimilated?
Mahmet: What’s your point?
Ahmet: Erdogan’s genetic origins were not revealed when the DNA of Turks was released.
Mehmet: So what? Until the 19th century “Turk” meant a backward peasant. We called ourselves Ottomans. Ataturk ‘made’ us Turks.
Ahmet: You are muddying the issue. There’s a legal term: “Que bono?” Who benefits? When a crime is committed, the first question detectives ask is “who benefits?” Accordingly, Erdogan will attack Israel to cause the destruction of Turkey and its occupation by Ermenlar and Younanlar.
Mehmet: This is lunacy. Don’t repeat it to anyone. They’ll put you in a mental home.
Ahmet: That’s what the Soviets did to dissenters. They sent truth-tellers to the gulag because one had to be mad to fault the system.
Mehmet: Everybody knows Erdogan’s parents are Turks.
Ahmet: His grandparents came from Georgia and settled in Anatolia. Tell me who was running Georgia at the time? I tell you: Ermenlar. The mayors, business, artists, teachers were Ermen. Composer Khashaturian, director Ruven Mamoorian, oil tycoon Mantishian… were Georgian Ermenler. As everyone knows, Ermenler like to migrate. So Erdogian’s grandparents came here.
Mehmet: I’ve never heard of an Ermen named Erdog. You’re making up stories. This is stupid. Was that a slip of the tongue or you meant it when you called our president “Erdogian”?
Ahmet: Erdo or Ardo are short for Erdawast, a godless Ermen king. They often name their sons Erdawast or Erdo/Ardo for short.
Mehmet: I can’t imagine that there’s somone with your imagination and paranoia to weave such conspiracy lunacy. You should write the next James Bond novel.
Ahmet: Have you ever wondered why the first name of the author of the Bond novels is IAN?