By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 4 February 2023
The International Ensemble for the Advancement of Turkeys (I-EAT) extends its gratitude to Receipt Type Err-dogone and publicly thanks the Great Man who should be allowed to topple the murderous Ataturk from the apex and be crowned Sultan Ataturk for his mankind- and civilization-elevating deeds.
While His Eminence Err-dogone has been condemned as extremist Islamist, two-faced dictator, and warmongering genocider, I-EAT hereby declares world public opinion and the legacy-mainstream media have been unfair to the wise, tolerant, peace-loving, and misunderstood humanist.
I-EAT, whose membership roll has 120 million turkeys around the world, thanks Err-dogone for liberating us after 500 years of ridicule and bloodshed. We are specifically referring to Err-dogone’s decision to change Turkey’s name to Türkiye.
After being associated, because of our name, with the feudal, racist, authoritarian, and barbarian country occupying the lands of the Armenians, Greeks, Assyrians, and Kurds, we are finally free to be who we are: turkeys…the proud and indigenous fowl of North America who made it possible for early European colonialists survive.
For centuries, millions of our fellow feathered fowl have been subjected to a foul and murderous “tradition” during the annual Great Massacre which North Americans piously call “Thanksgiving Day”. Since Err-dogone and his people are experts at genocide, we humbly ask the Sultan of Türkiye to advise us on how to persuade North Americans to radically change the Thanksgiving Day menu and go vegetarian.
A decade or two ago, President George H. Bush launched “Pardon a turkey” campaign on Thanksgiving Day. After more than a decade we still don’t know what our crime was. Through “Pardon a turkey,” Mr. Bush saved the life of one of our members while millions of us were once again sacrificed in slaughterhouses across the land. Perhaps, through his contacts in Deep State, CIA, and Washington think tanks Err-dogone can persuade tout Washington to remove our feathered brothers and sisters from their Thanksgiving dinner. It’s the least he can do for the millions of innocent avian lives which have been tormented for centuries because their name happened to be associated with Err-dogone’s genocidal lemmings. But if wishes were horses, we—turkeys—could ride a horse to a glorious sunset sans the shadow of genocidal Central Asian barbarians who worship a “god” named Grey Wolf.