By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 1 January 2020
Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Sees you when you’re sleeping. Knows when you’re awake. [Peeping Tom Santa. Stalker]
I Dream of White Christmas. [racist]
Do You Hear What I Hear? [A blatant disregard for the hearing impaired]
Baby, it’s Cold Outside. [Rape anthem].
Inspired by the Soviet/Red Chinese phrase “politically correct” and French literary theoreticians, the left’s lunatic fringe wants to micromanage our language, control our thoughts and behavior. Thus millions of meetings are now headed by four-legged furniture called “chair”. In the name of tolerance, acceptance, diversity, equality, inclusivity, the extreme left is dragging us (take your pick) into obfuscation, dissimulation, evasion, misrepresentation, distortion, euphemism, censorship and worse.
Thanks to these latter day McCarthys, the world will soon become familiar with the island of Personhattan, the city of Humanila, and the province of Womanitoba. It will be a giant step for mankind—uh, humankind or according to Canada’s metrosexual prime minister “personkind.” Meanwhile Manhattan, Manila, and Manitoba will be buried under the weight of “political correctness” and gendrist idiocy. You will not find the word “gendrist” in your dictionary. It’s a newfangled extreme feminist verbal atrocity whose adherents claim “phallocentric” should be feminized.
Next in line will be change in the names of Managua, Manaus, Manchester, Mantua, and the Isle of Man. What will happen to painter Edouard Manet, writers Heinrich and Thomas Mann, Katherine Mansfield and lubricious Jayne Mansfield of Hollywood? The Manichean theology and America’s Manifest Destiny will also be under threat in addition to mandolin, mandarin, manganese, mango, and mangrove; the Mann Act, manor, mansion, praying mantis, manuscript, manager, manicure…and menopause.
Once “genderized” place names, words, and people’s names are sent to Verbal Gulag Archipelago, the next enlightened reform will be change in toponyms which the politically correct find objectionable, unpleasant, inappropriate, exclusivist, ‘racist’ or inflict hatred, ridicule, and contempt to imagined minorities. First in line to change its name will be Turkey. That belligerent country, which is named after a fowl, will be called the Republic of Mustafia, after Mustafa Kemal, the genocidal dictator who had a disturbing relation with the fez. Turkey’s younger sibling—the fabricated state of Azerbaijan–will change its name to Aleve. It might be challenged by Aleve the over-the-counter drug manufacturer but Ilham, the head of the gaseous dictatorship, has plenty of gas and oil to fight in international courts. North of Azerbaijan, Georgia will become Georgette because there are slightly more females than males in that country. Mustafia’s neighbor Greece will become Bouzoukia because Greeks don’t want to be associated with unhealthy greasy cuisine although the souvlaki will continue to occupy a place of honor at their dinner tables. Armenia will retain its name but will lobby Germans to drop the offensive “armen” from their vocabulary: “armen” means “poor man” in German. In their turn, Germans might demand to be called “Deutsche” because “German” derives from the name of Gen. Germanicus of Rome in addition to reminding people of germs. Long-concerned its name might imply starvation, Hungary will become Lisztomania.
In a nativist gesture, the English could change their Germanic name. “Angle” is an area in northern Germany where the invaders of the British Isles originated. The French could drop “France” because it derives from the German “frank” meaning free. They might call themselves Republique LEF (Liberté, égalité, fraternité). Acknowledging that it started as a colonial entity, the United States of America might drop “America” (derived from the name of Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci) and become the United States of Indigenous Nations Who Came from Asia via the Bering Straits.
Several African nations will be among the first to change their names for “racial” reasons. Nigeria with its phonetic association with the racist “N” word will be the first to change its name. There are two other African states whose names mean “black”: Sudan and Ethiopia. Sudan will become the Republic of Sun Tanned while Ethiopia will become the Republic of the Tall, Dark and Handsome. Ethiopia has the additional demerit of being a foreign (Greek) name. Neighboring Yemen is another candidate for name change: its name includes the offensive “men”. North of Sudan is Egypt. That republic might consider a name change since its name derives from that of pagan god (Ptah). Cameroon will change its name because it means shrimp in Portuguese.
Ireland is a good candidate for name change: its name suggests rage although the true pedigree derives from Aryan. Spaniards might decide their country’s name is insulting because it derives from the Phoenician word for rabbit. Italy means “land of young bulls” in ancient Greek. Bulgaria might sell its name to Italy. China must resent being called crockery. It will probably enforce its native name “Zhongguo” (“Middle Kingdom”). New Zealand has got to go because it’s a Dutch name. Philippines will drop its name because it’s in honor of Spain’s Philip II.
Thanks to gendrist thought police the world will finally get the chance to become a happy and peaceful place–a veritable Garden of Eden… unless Yemen considers the appropriation of the name of its second-city as geographic plagiarism.