The Good Life in Ottoman Deutschland

By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 21 September 2015

Several times, back in 2011, we documented the scintillating and mind-expanding conversations of Ahmet and Mehmet, two Turkish friends living in the deepest Anatolia. The two met regularly, over a cup of kehve coffee, to discuss everything under the sun. But since late 2011 there had been no word from the deep-thinking analysts. Impelled by queries from fans, who wondered as to what had happened to the learned pair, we visited Ahmet and Mehmet to learn why their silence when there’s so much happening in the region. Here’s their recent conversation.–Editor

At the Ataturk Pasha Café in the town of Selçuklar

Ahmet: Mehmet…is that you arkhadash?

Mehmet: Avet, avet. Yes. It’s me, Ahmet.

Ahmet: Geula, geula. Sabah khayir… sorry, I mean Gunay Sun. I heard last week that you had returned from Europe. It’s years since we had our kehve chats. I see you’ve put on weight, arkhadash. Life must be good. Where were you?

Mehmet: I was in Jannat! In Paradise!

Ahmet: Did you meet the 72 virgins…? Ha! Ha! I’m joking.

Mehmet: I have been living in Almanya since 2011. That’s what I meant by paradise. There are no virgins among the Alemanlar. Hapizee gavoor orospoolar.

Ahmet: Tell me about our Almanya’daki Turkler.

Mehmet: There are about 3 million Turks in Germany. A quarter is Kurd—I mean Mountain Turk—but shh… we want the Germans to think all 3 million are real khss, aseel Turks.

Ahmet: You were always smart, arkhadash. Where did you live in Almanya?

Mehmet: I lived everywhere…Stooshgard, Westpaliar, Dooz-dorf, Woortonboorg, Kolonia… Frankara…

Ahmet: Frankara?

Mehmet: That’s what we call their big city because there are so many of us there.

Ahmet: What did you do for four years?

Mehmet: Nothing.

Ahmet: What do you mean nothing?

Mehmet: Alemanlaren hokoumet sarsaree—bosh, sarsam. Because I was unemployed they put me on social security. They gave me enough euros to live on comfortably. They also paid my rent, utility expenses, health care and public transport.

Ahmet: I don’t believe it. They can’t be that sakhat.

Mehmet: They also give each housewife 482 Euros a month plus 200 Euros per child. That’s about 900 American dollars. The government also pays their rent, utility bills, health care, public transport, free German classes…If they paid for my four dental implants that would be perfect.

Ahmet: Now I know why you call it Paradise.

Mehmet: Between us… you haven’t heard half of it yet: there’s a dalgha trick some of our women play there. They come back here; ‘borrow’ a baby from a relative and get a phony birth certificate—it costs 10 liras [$4]–for the baby that says they are the mother.

Ahmet: And then…?

Mehmet: Yavash, yavash. They take the baby to Germany and register it as their own. A few weeks later they return the baby to its mother back here and pay her for the scam. The phony mother then starts getting 200 Euros per month from hokoumet. I know Turkish women on welfare who drive Mercedes and BMW.

Ahmet: What a life! That’s better than the life of the sultan’s Topkapi concubines.

Mehmet: I’ll tell you another thing: one time a German teacher asked her students what they wanted to become when they grew up. All the Turkish students said they wanted to live on Hartz IV Empfanger. That’s social benefits. They said their parents, who were on welfare, wake up late and all day long watch Turkish soap operas on television. Did you know that only 20% of our people in Germany have regular jobs? The rest live on Hartz. And some of them have secret part-time jobs so they don’t pay tax. Most of them live in Little Stanbuls—that’s what we call our neighborhoods.

Ahmet: Vie, vie. And what do the dalee Germans say about it?

Mehmet: They can’t say anything. If they complain, we call them Nazis. When they hear that word, they run away like dogs with their tails between their legs.

Ahmet: I guess they don’t know that here Hitler’s “Kavgaam-Meen Kamp” book and the Zionist Yahoodlar Protokoleh sell faster than Adana kebab.

Mehmet: Oolan… shh…not so loud.

Ahmet: What about our women? Have they become feminist avratlar?

Mehmet: They live in Germany but in their heart they’re in Turkey. If any of our women drink, smoke, wear short skirt or eat pork she knows what will happen to them: honor killing. We don’t want to integrate with Khristianlar.

Ahmet: Subhan Allah. Are there famous Turks in Germany?

Mehmet: We have actors, singers, football players. We have people in the Boodoosdag. That’s what they call their parliament. But the most successful ones aren’t good Turks. Cem Ozdemir, the head of the Green Party, doesn’t believe in Allah. Then there’s a Fatih something or other. A film director. He made a movie about the so-called Armenian Genocide? Another traitor.

Ahmet: Like Orhan Pamuk. Mehmet, where did you live most of the time?

Mehmet: Berlin. I lived in the Turkish neighborhood called Kreuzberg. It means Cross Mountain. When I was there the residents voted to change it to Hilal Dagh.

Ahmet: So have you returned for good? Are we going to have kahve every morning like before?

Mehmet: Don’t get me wrong. I love Erdokhan Pasha, but why live here when the economy is in such bad shape and the Kurdish terrorists are killing our women and children?

Ahmet: Turks in Germany live the way Osmanlis lived in the glorious old zamanlar: stretched on their sofas, puffing the hooka, eating walnuts, and gossiping while the gavoors did all the work.

Mehmet: There’s another reason I want to go back but you have to promise you would not repeat my words. There’s a secret Turkish group there which plans to multiply the Turkish population in Germany. Since the sarsaree Alman hokoumet is giving away money to mothers, it’s easy persuade Turkish couples to have five, six, seven children. Down the road…we will become the majority since Almanlar have one child. In a few decades we will establish the Ottoman Empire of Deutschland.

Ahmet: Inshallah, arkhadash. But before you go I have a question which has been bothering me. Why do almost all our big newspapers have Arabic names….Zaman, Cumhuriyet, Hurriyet, Sabah, Hurriyet, Vatan, Vahdet, Taraf, Takvim…?

Mehmet: Ahmet, why do you want to ruin our day?

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