By Jirair Tutunjian, 24 November 2015
When we last met bosom pals Ahmet and Mehmet at the Ataturk Café in the town of Selcuklar in the deepest Anatolia, the latter had just returned from a four year “vacation” in Germany (“The Good Life in Ottoman Deutschland”, Keghart.com Sept. 21, 2015). This is an account of their subsequent meeting.
AHMET: Nassl sn, Mehmet? When you cancelled our coffee date two weeks ago I became worried you were ill or had gone to Germany without even a salaam aleikum.
MEHMET: Thank you, arkhadash. I am fine. I was away in Ankara. I have new job.
AHMET: Last time you said you would be returning to Germany to secretly work with the Grey Wolves to multiply the Turkish population there. What happened? What job?
MEHMET: Ankara made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
AHMET: Ha! Ha! I miss those bloody Mafia movies.
MEHMET: Did you know Robert Duval’s real name is Rubayat Duvali and Al Pacino’s birth name is Ali Perincek? It’s all in the books I’ve been reading at the office. The adapsez Americans would never admit it. They also don’t admit it was we who discovered America 500 years before Columbus. Anyways, I’ve joined our hokoumet’s D.I.M. It’s short for Digital Intelligence Media.
AHMET: Digital Intell… Militia? Never heard of it.
MEHMET: Turkey fights its nammesez enemies on many fronts. Despite joining NATO, despite the spick-and-span uniforms of our generals and despite our charter schools around the world, we are still considered bloodthirsty barbarians…mostly because of the gavour Ermenlerin propagandasuh. We are now using social media to manipulate global public opinion.
MEHMET: Years ago Erdokhan established a secret organization called D.I.M and hired 6,000 to staff it. Their job was to monitor the Internet and the media, and to reply to any bosh boghaz anti-Turkish comments. Sort of an on-line Turkish army. He then disbanded D.I.M because most of the recruits were tambal, gevezeh. Besides, our economy wasn’t doing well. Believe it or not, some of the staff was earning as much as $1,336 a month plus a signing bonus. After his glorious Nov. 1 election victory he hired them plus specialists like me.
AHMET: You a specialist? In what?
MEHMET: I know Allaman culture. For example, did you know that Hitler was an Austrian Yahoodi? Anyway, my job is to surf the Allaman Internet, and write rebuttals whenever I see an anti-Turkish mention by gavour Ermenler and jaheel khristianlar.
AHMET: But you didn’t finish elementary madrassah. How can you reply to the Ermeni, Kurd, Arab, Younan, Yahoodi, Rooss, Amerikan, Ingileez… lies?
MEHMET: I’ve been going through the D.I.M library. I have already scanned through “Turkey…the Greatest Country in the World”, “All Human Culture is Rooted in Turkish Civilization”, “Socrates, Napoleon, Churchill …Were Turks”, “100 Ermeni Lies” and several history books published under the supervision of Padishah Ataturk. Next week I plan to read books by Bernard Lewis, Norman Stone, Justin McCarthy and other friends of ours.
AHMET: Have you replied to any gavour lie?
MEHMET: Thanks to the D.I.M books, I can answer any of their falsehoods. At D.I.M. they taught us that the best defense is a good offense, in the words of crypto-Turk Sir Winston Churchill. When we’re accused, I reply that the Armenians killed two-million Turks and were it not for Armenian treachery and subversion we could have beaten the Moskofflar in the First World War.
AHMET: Are the Armenian commenters on the Internet as professional and organized as our D.I.M?
MEHMET: Shoukran Allah, no. That’s their major weakness. The Armenians can’t work together. They’re all individualists: probably something genetic. They joke that when you bring three of them together, you get three political parties. But they almost make up for their shortcoming with their knowledge and commitment. The other day one of them wrote that D.I.M meant stupid in English and stood for TTT—Turkey’s Tiresome Trolls. Their mission in life is to denigrate our glorious nation. They’re relentless. I am sorry to admit, but they are hard-working and brainy. If they worked together, we would have our work cut out for us.
AHMET: Arkhadash, watch what you’re saying. It’s treason to compliment the perfidious Ermenler. Let those Hrant Dink-lovers in Istanbul talk such sedition.
MEHMET: I am as ass-eel Turk as you, but between us …we shouldn’t lie to each other. We killed most of them… we kicked out the rest… they became refugees. Yet in one-hundred years they’ve produced far more prominent international personalities than 75-million Turkey. I can’t begin to list the Armenian Diaspora scientists, artists, composers, writers, politicians, athletes, businessmen… Had we not driven them out, Turkey could have become one of Big Powers today rather than the lackey of the West, at the bottom of G 20 and for twenty years begging to be admitted to the European Union. We kid ourselves when we say all Ermenler have given to the world are those two American orospoular—Cher and Kardashian.
AHMET: And don’t forget the famous and long-time Istanbul madam who was Armenian. She was among the top tax-payers in the country. So, you see, even in that engeen business Armenians top us…a bit of double entendre there, as the French say.
MEHMET: Ahmet, you sure know how to ruin a Turk’s day.