Pinocchio Was Born in Turkey

By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 15 August 2015

The Turks are a sufficiently intelligent people, and cannot help feeling the superiority of strangers.”—J.L. Stephens, “Incidents of Travel in the Russian and Turkish Empires” (1839).

These days the news from Turkey is like the headlines from “The Onion” satiric website or the cover lines of “MAD” magazine. Another day and another side-splitting nonsense from Mister Erdogan…the man who can start a fight in an empty room.

The latest breaking news from Erdo’s $600-million presidential palace is that the Ottomans were the first to walk on the moon–300 years before Neil Armstrong. A few days later his soporific yes man at Turkish Fantasy Inc., Prime Minister Ahmet Davutoglu, promised Turkey would bring back “Ottoman order and justice to the world”. Yes, your eyes aren’t playing games. The world can hardly wait for seraglios, harems, janissaries, mad and fratricidal sultans, yataghans, female genital mutilation, eunuchs, racism, oppression, gavoors, head tax, obese pashas, the destruction of peaceful societies, grass will not grow where the Ottomans have treaded boasts.

Erdogan, the man with the face of the prison guard in Midnight Express, came up with the recondite news about the Turkish landing on the luminous big cheese while hosting iftar—(Muslim feast breakfast) of the Turkish Green Crescent. Here’s Erdogan’s hilarious announcement verbatim. “It is alleged that the first man to walk on the moon was Neil Armstrong in 1969. I fact, Muslim space explorers reached our satellite 334 years before that, in 1635. Everyone knows the story of the famous aviator, Lagari Hasan Celebi, the ‘Ottoman Rocket Man’, who made the first successful manned rocket flight in 1633. What you might not know, is that he attempted to reach the moon, two years later, and could very well have succeeded.”

It all makes sense: the crescent is on the Turkish flag. Turks have uncontested first rights to the moonscape. Trespassers will be prosecuted.

Before exposing the Erdogan’s orotund fantasy, it’s only fair to mention that while there was a Lagari Hasan Celebi in the 17th century, but his real name was Mohammed Zilli. He was an Arab merchant and traveler. He built a 7-winged rocket and jumped into the air from a tower, just below the Topkapi Palace in Istanbul.  There are no reports whether he was equipped with an oxygen tank. Before the jump, he sent a message to the sultan saying: “I am going to talk to Jesus.” After he had done his 200-meter Superman stunt, gravity conspired against him and the kinetically-charged caped crusader got royally soaked in the Bosporus. That little mishap didn’t discourage the indomitable Zilli. He wrote to the sultan about his celestial expedition and said: “O my Sultan! Jesus sends his regards to you.” This is all that’s known about the Ottoman Lunar Mission—or should we say, lunatic mission?

Braggart Erdogan doesn’t mind if his phantom tales don’t have a factual pedigree. The lout has always been unencumbered by facts. Turkey’s premier snake-oil salesman continued his Don Quixote narrative by peevishly adding: “NASA may have destroyed most of the physical evidence of the Ottoman success during the Apollo II mission, but we’ll try to find evidence that might have escaped the cover up.” Those damn Yanks should never be underestimated.

Those who follow the mental effusions of prolix Erdogan might recall that a few months ago he also regaled us with the implausible story that Turks had discovered America hundreds of years before Columbus sighted what’s now Santo Domingo.

[Meanwhile, Arab historians say that in 852 in Cordoba, Spain an Armen Firman constructed a wing-like cloak with the intention of using the garment to glide. He also jumped from a tower and survived with minor injuries. There’s no word from Serge Sarkissian whether Armen was Armenian.]

While it’s easy to mock demented Erdogan, one should consider that his ravings of Turkish glory have been symptomatic of Turkish culture since Mustafa Kemal compassionately adopted the whole Turkish nation. After being shellacked by the Europeans for their backwardness and violence, and after being dismissed as the “Sick Man of Europe”, Turkey, under Ataturk, willfully donned a ridiculous superiority complex which is as far from reality as the moon is from the Earth: the Ottomans were the longest-lasting empire; the Ottoman era was a time of glorious civilization; tolerance, culture and prosperity were the bywords of the empire; happy is the man who was calls himself a Turk; all human civilizations spring from Turkic civilization…

Just a month before Erdo made his recent pronucimento, ‘Daily Sabah’, a leading Turkish daily, published an article titled “Turkey: a Land of Innovations and Firsts”.

Here are the boiler-plate boasts:

1.Mount Ararat.
Although Turks have changed the name of the Armenian mountain, in the English-language article, the editors called it by its proper Armenian name since foreign readers wouldn’t associate Noah’s Ark with something called Agri Dagh.

2.The first coins were minted in Turkey.
The first coins were minted in Lydia (occupied by Turkey in 1390) in 7th century B.C. Lydia was a neo-Hittite kingdom which might make it a distant cousin of Armenia.

3.The first permanent retail shop was established in Manisa, Turkey.
See number 2.

4.Turkey played a pivotal role in the development of the Christian Council of Nicaea.
Obviously Turks—who were in Central Asia milking yaks then—through remote control dictated the Nicene Creed (a pillar of Christian faith) to Christian holy fathers attending the ecumenical gathering  in 325. Nicaea vanished long ago to become Turkish Iznik.
The editor of the ‘Daily Sabah’ inexplicably missed the opportunity to boast that Santa Claus (St. Nicholas) was a Turk because he was based on the martyred Bishop of Myra (now called Dimre by Turks).

5.The Seven Churches of Revelation are in Turkey.
This is how it works in Turkish historic lore: You conquer a Christian country; kill/persecute its natives; destroy their churches and then claim those churches as part of your civilization. Also change the names of the cities where the churches were located. Ephesus becomes Efes, Smyrna is Izmir, Thyatira is Akhisar, Pergamum is Alasehir…

6.The first robot was made by a Turk (1136).
Consistent with another hallowed Turkish tradition, foreigners are turkified willy-nilly. According to Arab historians, Al-Jazzari (1136 to 1206), aka Al Shaykh al Amal Abu al-‘izz Ibn al Jazzar (born in Mesopotamia), did research on simulators and robotics. He didn’t invent the robot. He also was Arab.

7.The first ever military marching band was formed in Turkey.
Not counting the Assyrians, Babylonians, Persians, Greeks… the Romans had military bands millennia before Turkic barbarians ravaged the Middle East. Besides, a military marching band must have been redundant to soldiers who eagerly burned and razed everything from Iran to the Balkans and points south.

8.The first smallpox vaccination was invented in Turkey in the 17th century.
For centuries, it was known that people who survived smallpox became immune to it. For that reason, nearly every culture tried to induce immunity in healthy individuals. At least millennia before the birth of Christ, the Chinese were using tubes to insert powdered smallpox scabs through their nostrils. There is similar citing in ancient Indian texts.

9.Gazi Yasargil of Lice developed microsurgery.
Yasargil lives in the U.S.. He worked with US surgeons to develop certain methods of microsurgery. This is the only instance where the Turkish newspaper’s claim comes close to a semblance of the truth.

10.“There is perhaps nowhere in the world a country which houses so many religions in such harmonious manner.”
The ‘perhaps’ is a nice touch. No doubt the Christians, the Jews, the Yezidis, not to mention the Alevis, would have something to say about the boast.

11.Jews fleeing Spain’s Inquisition found sanctuary in the Ottoman Empire and during the Nazi era Turkish diplomats saved the lives of Jews.
The sultan (not his subjects) welcomed the Iberian Jews because he rightly believed they would be good for Ottoman trade. Within a century, many of the descendants of these Jews converted to Islam (“Donmeh”) because of Turkish persecution.
The few hundred Jews, who were rescued from the Nazis by Turkish diplomats who gave them Turkish passports, had to “donate” money to fatten the wallets of the “heroic” diplomats.

12.The first female combat pilot was the Turkish Sabiha Gokcen.
Sabiha Gokcen was Hripsime Sebilciyan, Turkified Armenian orphan who had survived the Armenian Genocide. In later years she visited her four brothers (Sarkis, Boghos, Khachig, and Hovhannes) in Beirut. A major reason journalist Hrant Dink was assassinated by Turkish nationalists was because he revealed the identity of the “Turkish” pilot.

One suspects the editor of ‘Daily Sabah’ is a graduate of the Dogu Perincek Academy of Truth in Journalism.

  1. Pinocchio Was Born in Turkey

    When certain Turks honored Erdogan by telling that he is Armenian, even Erdogan's Armenian advisors couldn't find a solution to hide the facts of his Armenian origin. Erdogan's Armenian advisors told him to state that calling him Armenian is a curse. He did.

    The Armenians must do everything to help Erdogan hide his Armenian origin. Otherwise, after his fall we would have to deal with a Turkish president. Imagine if the successor to Erdogan decides to claim "Kach Nazar" too.

    Nicolai Romashuk Hairabedian

    1. I hate to remind the readers

      I hate to remind the readers that there were loud rumors that the great butcher Abdul Hamid was part Armenian. We should not jump to credit any loser because he was Armenian, but credit those who are a benefit to the human race and happened to be good moral examples and role models and helped the Armenian cause.

  2. Erdogan & Pinocchio

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this commentary. On a more "serious" note regarding Erdogan and his claims, I would like to tell the following.

    Not long after the Americans Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon on July 20, 1969, I started my first and only bus trip to Turkey, Bulgaria and Romania. Our first overnight stop was in historic Antioch, having just crossed the border at the familiar junction of the road that led to Kessab.

    First time in Turkey, I got engaged in conversation with the locals on the landing on the moon. My conversant, pointing at the moon glowing in the midnight, told me that no one can land on the moon and remain alive because there is fire up there. I soon realized that the moon had deep-seated symbolic sentiments to the Turks. The crescent is displayed on the Turkish flag.

    Mister Erdogan is no fool. He is an intelligent man and knows history well. That matters none to him. He is not there to educate his people. He is there to stoke their sentiments to get their votes. Claiming that a Turk landed on the moon centuries before a Christian in the west desecrated it by stepping on it and other such outlandish assertions most likely has a huge appeal to Turks who have been instrumental in propelling him onto the seat of power, where he wants to stay, damn other considerations.

    1. Turks Discovered the Khoja?

      Many ethnic groups claim Nasreddin Khoja as one of their own. According to Prof. Mikail Bayram, the Khoja was born in Khoy just south of Nakhichevan. He was sent to Anatolia by the Khalif in Baghdad to organize resistance and uprising against the Mongol invasion. He served as a kadı (an Islamic judge and ombudsman) in Kayseri. This explains why he addresses judicial problems in the jokes and not only religious ones. His true ethnic origin is still unknown.

      1. Hoja Identity

        Putting aside the ethnic origin of Hoja, I would suggest that Hoja belongs to all of the Middle East. Because he was a famous folkloric figure, many nationalities in the area attributed their own stories to Hoja. That is, Hoja was the convenient carrier of stories which came from all corners of the world. By the way, Arabs call him Juha.

  3. Item # 11 of Tutunjian article

    The truth about Donmeh is that they have been running Turkish republic since its inception.

    There are two casts in Turkey: Beyaz Turkler ( WHITE TURKS ) and others. White Turks are those whose  pedigree goes way back to 19th century and beyond. Those are Jews who were followers of false prophet Sabatai Zvi  who converted to Islam, for obvious reasons. Outwordly  they are pious Muslims but when they are among themselves they practice Judaism. They only marry each other. All rulers and who's who in Turkish ruling elite of Turkey since 1922 have been, without exception Sabataycis (sabataist, or DONMEH in Turkish).

    There is a book Titled "EFENDI". I am sure all Armenians know what it means, it was  a title given only to those of Sabataist background. However thru the years it has become a generic term  as "Mister" or "Sir" for males.

    The book is in Turkish and it shows the lineage of all those politicos, ministers, rulers, cream of the Turkish society. They are all WHITE TURKS of Sabataist origin.( Talaat, Cevat, Karasu, Celal Bayar, Adnan Menderes etc) As Turkey is very good in writing history those facts have been swept under the rug.

    If you know Turkish it is a must reading for those who like to know more about who rules Turkey.

  4. Furthur Info about the Donmeh

    Over the last few years hundreds of thousands of copies of two books by Soner Yalchin titled "Efendi The White Turks' Big Secret" and "Efendi 2 The White Muslims' Big Secret" have been sold in Turkey. The first "proves" the secret Jewish identity of the secular elite that has guided Turkey for over a century. The second unmasks the hidden Jews within leading religious Muslim families up to and including Tayyip and Emine Erdogan.

    The second best-selling book in Turkey in 2007 was a book by Ergun Poyraz titled "Moses' Children Tayyip and Emine", his head scarf wearing wife. Everyone important in Turkey it seems has Jewish ancestry. Ghost Jews haunt the Turkish popular imagination. Islamists KNOW that atheist Jews overthrew the Ottoman sultan, dissolved the Islamic empire, and replaced it with an anti-Muslim secular republic, led by "secret Jew" Ataturk.

    My friends, Turks know the facts. It is high time we collectively went down the same road. Let us recognize our enemy.

    I have a question: How many Turks live in Turkey? Take 30 million Kurds off of the total; 20 million Alevis should come off as well as Arabs, the Laz, Albanians, Circassians and all the rest, including crypto Armenians.  

    1. High Time

      "It is high time we collectively went down the same road. Let us recognize our enemy," according to one of the comment writers.

      Armenians who engage in Jew-baiting when it comes to AG are inadvertently supporting Genocidal Turks.

      We have no so-called "collective same road" to go down with genocidal Turks..

      Genocidal, denialist Turks would like nothing better than for Armenians to dilute their efforts by chasing ghosts, and getting into useless fights with Jews.

      What are you  going to do: sue World Jewish Congress for damages? Which country is occupying our lands? Surely not Israel.

      Please stop this nonsense: whoever they are beneath the surface, our lands are occupied by people who call themselves Turks. By a state which calls itself Türkiye. By people who speak Turkish and who are Muslim. Not Israel. Not Jews.
      Turks. Turks. Turks. Stop it already, and concentrate on the main enemy: Turks, Turks, Turks.

      1. Genocide Blame

        I agree with Avery. Blaming the Jews for the Genocide of Armenians is not only nonsensical but it's also damaging to our cause.

        Those who cite the Rothschilds, the Sabatai, the Donmeh, the so-called Jewish conspiracy depend on less-than-credible Internet sites. Not only do they have no proof for their allegations, they also inadvertently and grievously absolve Turks and Turkey of the horrific crime against Armenians and against humanity.

        To give one example of why there was no Zionist/Jewish Young Turk plot against the Armenians: Before the British conquered Palestine in 1917, the country was ruled by the Turks. At the time some Jews living in Palestine were organizing to help the British and drive out the Turks. The ruler of Palestine was either Jemal or Enver (one of the Genocide Three). He threatened the Jews that if they didn't behave, they would share the same fate as the Armenians. In fact, he did exile a number of Jews to make his point.

        Why did the Donmeh, who supposedly ran the empire for seven years after they supposedly brought down the sultan, threaten their co-religionists with genocide?

        Why did the Donmeh, who supposedly ran the empire, not give Palestine to the Jews and thus win the support of world Jewry, not to mention the gold of Rothschilds, etc.?

        1. Also Inadvertently

          "…they also inadvertently and grievously absolve Turks and Turkey of the horrific crime against Armenians".

          Precisely Hayorti: for the life of me I do not understand how any Armenian who keeps peddling the Jewish/Donmeh angle does not see that.

          What a gift to Turks for Armenians themselves to start apportioning blame for the AG to myriad others. Maybe Turks injected that meme into the blogosphere years ago to dilute their own guilt: have our Armenian friends promoting the Jew-angle thought of that?

          Finally, whoever the leaders were, the savage murders of our defenseless civilians, women, children, babies were carried out by Turk soldiers, Turk officers, Turk criminals, Turk governors (…and Kurd collaborators). Turks, Turks, Turks.

          Gang rapes of our women was done by Turks.
          Gassing of our people hiding in caves was done by Turks.
          Burning our people alive having taken shelter in churches was done by Turks.
          Kidnappings and rapes of our children was done by Turks.
          Cutting open Armenian pregnant women was done by Turks.
          Turks, Turks, Turks.

      2. “High Time”

        I invite readers to take a look at Ara Papian’s remarkable expose about the “father” of modern Turkey, Ataturk whom he quotes having said: “For me, as well, as some people want to say that I’m a Jew – because I was born in Salonica. But it must not be forgotten that Napoleon was an Italian from Corsica, yet he died a Frenchman and has passed into history as such”.

        In his concluding paragraph Ara Papian writes: “It is with confidence that one may say that, apart from his origins, Mustafa Kemal lived and died as a Turk, a real Turk, in the Armenian sense of the word – a Turk. In that case, a question may arise: what difference does it make where Mustafa Kemal’s roots lay? For me, none whatsoever.” But for some others it will continue to mean a lot, because for them it’s a matter of belief.

  5. Newsflash

    Newsflash: Turks arrested for insulting Erdogan. The culprits called Erdogan a Turk. 

  6. Erdocchio of Turkey

    Since in the above article and elsewhere there's plenty of evidence that President Erdogan (PhD in lying) is up there with Pinocchio when it comes to falsification, we should call him Erdocchio of Turkey, Erdocchio of Turkbeijan.

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