By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, Ontario 14 December 2020
Six months after his last visit to his hometown of Selcuklar, deep in the Turkish boondocks, Mehmet has coffee with old friend Ahmet at the Ataturk Cafe which has recently changed its name to Ataturk Bistro. After the traditional greetings, they resume their scintillating conversation.
Mehmet: What’s with the “bistro”? Why did the name change? Is ‘bistro’ more chic?
Ahmet: I’m sure they will change it back to “cafe” considering Erdogan’s tussle with Macron.
Mehmet: What have you been doing since we last had kahve here?
Ahmet: Since the Internet is mostly in English, I took English classes.
Mehmet: Watch out. Internet trolls always attack our leader, the Ottoman Empire, and Pan-Turkism.
Ahmet: Ah, I’m glad you mentioned Pan-Turkism. What is Pan-Turkism? Isn’t ‘pan’ a utensil to fry eggs?
Mehmet: Ingilizche has unruly grammar. Pan-Turk means “All-Turks.” Why are you snickering?
Ahmet: It’s funny. Erdogan, whose ancestors were Georgian, is preaching Pan-Turkism.
Mehmet: Be careful. The jails are full of misguided people who spread rumors.
Ahmet: But Ataturk was a converted Jew.
Mehmet: You’re learning fake facts from the Internet.
Ahmet: Look at our senior military people… do you see anyone who looks like a Turk? They are all descendants of Balkan people who were converted to Islam or descended from Gavoor children…Greek, Armenian, and Assyrian.
Mehmet: Let’s talk about something pleasant.
Ahmet: What‘s new at your propaganda office these days?
Mehmet: It’s not a propaganda office. Its name is Hon. R. T. Erdogan Historical Authentification Institute.
Mehmet: I am working on an important project to prove Europeans descend from Turks.
Ahmet: Tell me how Macron is Turkish.
Mehmet: You’ve heard of the Trojan War.
Ahmet: The cowardly Greeks who built a wooden mule…
Mehmet: You know Troy is in Turkey. After Troy’s fall, Trojan warrior Aeneas fled the city. He was the cousin of Hector. He sailed to Italy where he founded Rome. Many Europeans descend from Roman centurions.
Ahmet: Wait a second… I thought Rome was founded by Romulus and Remus who were nursed by a she wolf. It’s still the symbol of Rome.
Mehmet: That’s bunk. The Romans stole that tale from our Grey Wolf story.
Ahmet: But not all Europeans are descendants of Romans. Many Barbarians also settled in Europe.
Mehmet: They were all Turks.
Ahmet: Next you will tell me Vlad the Impaler was a Turk.
Mehmet: Here’s the proof. One of the biggest Turkish tribes which settled in France was the Bergundians. There’s a wine named after them.
Ahmet: I am dying to hear this one.
Mehmet: Bergundian derives from “Bir gun”… means ‘one day’ in Turkish. The Goths? Instead of using the saddle, Goth horsemen padded their rear…so they were nicknamed “Goet,” buttocks in Turkish. Vandal derives from our Lake Van while Gaul derives from “Geul”– lake in Turkish. The Celts shaved their heads. So they were called “Kells — bald in Turkish. In the old days, Italy had lots of dogs —“eet” in Turkish. From “eet” we got Italy.
Ahmet: Do the Guinness Book of Facts people know this?
Mehmet: The Turkish Doner is the most popular sandwich in Germany. Did you know pizza is a copy of our lahmacun?
Ahmet: Nonsense. Doner was introduced to Germany by Turkish guest workers. It’s a copy of the Arab sharmuta.
Mehmet: You mean shawarma. Sharmuta means hooker.
Ahmet: You are citing a single sandwich to prove European cuisine is Turkish.
Mehmet: There are others.
Ahmet: Such as Yorkshire Pudding, Beef Stroganoff, and Steak Wellington?
Mehmet: It’s that kind of cynical attitude which kept us backward for centuries.
Ahmet: Arkhadash, I shouldn’t make fun of what you say. You already have a tough job pleasing your bosses with this propaganda nonsense. I’ll change the subject. You know Godiva chocolate company is owned by Yildiz Holdings.
Mehmet: I certainly do.
Ahmet: Godiva is named after an 11th century English woman who rode a horse through downtown Coventry…naked. How can a Turkish chocolate be named after a whore? To make matters worse, her name is sacrilegious. The first part of her name means ‘Allah’.
Mehmet: What name should we give the chocolate? Fatima? Khadija? Benazir? Don’t think about these trivial things. We are spreading east, west, north, and south. Through Azerbaijan we will reach the Pacific. Syria is our gate to the south. Chechens will push north to Russia and through illegal immigrants we will expand westward. The Ottoman Empire will return.
Ahmet: You mean Ottomaniacs will rule the world. We failed in Syria, Libya, and Greece. The important parts of our drones come from Germany, Austria, Britain, Canada, and the U.S. We merely assemble them like Lego. Turkish Airlines would be flying Dakotas had it not been the tutelage of Lufthansa. And you’re talking about conquering the world when we are bankrupt. Turkey is led by a veritable dali adam.