By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto 7 May 2016
Readers who have followed the probing conversations of Ahmet and Mehmet at the famed Ataturk Café know that the two well-informed and opinionated friends split up recently due to their differences about President Erdogan’s policies. A few weeks ago, thanks to intervention by mutual friends, the pair reconciled.–Editor.
AHMET: Guleh, guleh, arkadash.
MEHMET: I’m so glad our arkardashlar brought us together, especially when there’s so much to talk about. Let’s celebrate with large kahfeh with four tablespoons of sugar.
AHMET: We have to talk about Ermenlerin attack on our Azerbaijan kardashlar in April and pipsqueak Davutloglu’s resignation as prime minister.
MEHMET: Good riddance to Davutoglu. Why do we need two leaders when we have Erdogan Pasha ? Isn’t Davutoglu a secret Jew? From Crimea? He certainly looks Jewish…
AHMET: Shsh… many people believe Great Ataturk was, you know, Yahudi. His enemies called him Sheep Head because he had a Jewish profile. But let’s talk about gavoor Ermenler first. They are again getting too big for their britches. We should have finished the job in 1915. Our innate compassion and humanity hurt our interests.
AHMET: Be careful… the waiter is a Kurd. As everybody knows, we spared the gavoor traitors. They fled to Syria, to the eshekler Arabs and then to godless Russia. Anyway…Despite our help and the Russian weapons our Azerbaijani kardashlar again lost the fight.
MEHMET: What’s the matter with you? Are you watching Yerevan TV? Don’t you know we killed more than 300 Ermenler, downed six helicopters, destroyed 30 tanks and took strategic mountains? You can probably see Turkey from the top of one of those peaks. I wish they name it Erdogan Dagh.
AHMET: Small victories will not do. We have to take Karapagh and southern Ermenistan. We have to finish them once and for all. That will clear the path for Glorious Turanistan.
MEHMET: Russia and Washington will never allow Turanistan. Can we talk about something else? As you know, I am a member of the elite Erdogan PR group. We meet next week to discuss several urgent matters.
AHMET: Perhaps at your meeting you can bring up this idea I have…
MEHMET: What idea?
AHMET: Umm…Why don’t we build a tunnel from Nakhichevan to Azerbaijan, under Iranian territory? We can then send to Azerbaijan soldiers, weapons, ammunition… at short notice.
MEHMET: Have you watched “The Great Escape” recently or are you thinking of the Mexican narco-boss tunnels under the Mexican/US border? It would mean digging a 200-kilometers tunnel unnoticed by Iranian security.
AHMET: The Palestinians have been doing it for years…
MEHMET: And they’re being caught. Besides, their tunnels are a few kilometers.
AHMET: All right, all right. So it won’t work. Do you have a better idea?
MEHMET: At the gathering we will discuss how to polish Turkey’s image.
AHMET: We are already spending millions on American PR companies, buying ads and skywriting in NY to burnish our image. Why do we need a PR think-tank?
MEHMET: The big item on the agenda is changing the names of some Turkish products.
AHMET: I can’t believe my ears… thousands of PR experts will convene to change the names of Turkish products?
MEHMET: Will you let me finish? We have candy called DAMLA. Why would anyone call his product stroke? Then there’s biscuit manufacturer ULKER. That, like DAMLA, has a subliminal message…it reminds Westerners of ulcer. They will forever associate Turkey with disease.
AHMET: But… but…
MEHMET: Let me finish. Another product is HAMLET pastries. Do you know Hamlet was a lunatic Danish prince who killed his uncle, his mother, his brother-in-law, father-in-law, and caused the suicide of his lover. There’s also a product called MARCO POLO. The Italian traveler wrote bad things about our ancestors. Why honor the Turcophobe? Westerners call our pisman fluffy sweets “cotton candy”. Do you know what “piss” means in English? Also on the pisman package it says “Ottoman Fairy Hair”. In English “fairy” means oghlanji… they have now a politically correct word for it which I don’t know.
AHMET: Subhan Allah.
MEHMET: There’s more. A few years ago a Turkish company bought Godiva, a European chocolate company. Godiva was an exhibitionist English orospou who rode naked on a horse through the main street of a town.
AHMET: Haram. What will your think-tank do?
MEHMET: We will replace negative product names with that of sultans, outstanding Turks.
AHMET: Great Ottoman sultans? After Suleiman we didn’t have a single sultan worth the name. They were all mad, alcoholic, fratricidal bastards whose mothers were green-eyed Chechen or Circassian concubines and slaves. Our generals? After our early victories, we lost every major battle… Lepanto…twice in Vienna…we would have lost the empire in the 19th century had the Europeans not rescued us.
MEHMET: Stop, please.
AHMET: And first check the origin of your nominee. You don’t want to name a product after a gavoor… like Sinan.
MEHMET: You sure know how to pour cold water on a hot idea.
AHMET: I am only trying to spare you embarrassment.
MEHMET: Your tunnel under Iran, my ideas about product names… obviously, it’s not our day today.
AHMET: Let’s talk about something else. Since it’s April the Armenians were again making noise about their deportation. I have a rebuttal which should forever silence them.
MEHMET: Tell me.
AHMET: We did a favour to the Armenians by deporting them. Thanks to the deportation Armenians spread around the world… and many became famous. Had we not exiled them there would be no Charles Aznavour, novelist Michael Arlen, tasfirji Karsh, billionaire Kerkorian, Kardashian celebrities… Did you hear that slut wrote a letter to an American newspaper attacking us? Had we not deported them these gavoors would be tilling the land in Sanliurfa, Zeitoun, Adiaman… What an ingrate race! They should kiss our hands instead of complaining about their ruined churches.
MEHMET: Dashat Ahmet! You’re a genius. No one has thought about this approach to silence Ermenler. I’ll make sure what you said is on next week’s agenda. Erdogan Pasha will love it.