KeghartBy Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 2 May 2026
While several polls have shown that he is ahead in popularity as the election gets nearer, Prime Minister Pashinyan wants to win by acclamation. With that in mind, he recently chaired a meeting with public relations man Gumpr Hachoghyan and veteran American publicist Jack Sanctimonian whose grandparents had settled in Fresno before the Genocide.
Nikol (NP): Let’s hear it, Jack. How are you going to persuade people to vote for me?
Jack Sanctimonian (JS): My grandmother used to say: “Dzoor nsdenk, shaydug khosyenk.” We will bribe the people, according to demographics. That’s how you will win decisively.
Gumpr Hachoghyan (GH): Translation please.
JS: We will determine the different demographics of the electorate and bribe them according to their wants and needs.
NP: Go on.
JS: To get the youth vote, we will organize free rock concerts from Gyumri to Meghri. In addition to local talent, we will get, through the U.S State Department, American entertainers free of charge.
GH: Often rock concerts get wild. You should make sure everyone behaves. If there’s violence, we might lose votes.
JS: A well-behaved rock concert is an oxymoron, we say in English.
NP: Who is the moron?
GH: No one. It means “contradiction.”
NP: You mentioned Ararat brandy in your brief.
GH: As you know, Pernod Ricard of France owns Ararat brandy. I have been talking with their CEO in Paris to sell us 50,000 Ararat bottles at deep discount.
NP:: What are you talking about?
JS: We will give a free 5-year-old Ararat to everyone who votes for you.
NP: What? What? You are going to ruin me. Where would I get that kind of money?
JS: Not to worry. Uncle Sam will take care of the bill.
NP: I like that. I know I am digressing. Only brandy manufactured in Cognac, France can be identified as “cognac.” Since spirits manufacturer Pernod Ricard is a major player in France, why don’t we push the company to label “Ararat” cognac? After all, we are buying 50,000 bottles of the stuff from them.
JS: Good idea, wrong time. Let’s get back to the election. We will give 5-year old Ararat to anyone who votes for you. If a whole family votes for you, each adult will get a 10-year-old Ararat. There’s more. If someone persuades his family and 20 other individuals to vote for you, he or she gets free vacation at the 7-star Ataturk Hotel in Antalya, courtesy of Turkiye National Tourist Office and the Turkish Airlines. There will be vacations in Jermuck and Lake Seven for people who persuade five people.
GH: It’s Jermuk and Sevan. I think we should reward canvassers, poll takers…people who distribute pamphlets…I think we should offer them free dinner at the best Yerevan restaurants such as Artashi Mot.
NP: I know the restaurant. We can’t work with them because the restaurant is on Kocharyan Street. I don’t want to see the name of that Russophile-Tashnag-Artsakh terrorist anywhere.
GH: It means Dolmama and Black Angus restaurants are also no-no because they are on Pushkin and Apovian streets…two notorious Russophiles.
NP: I like the speedy way you grasp an idea. Tavern Yerevan is also a no-no. It’s on Khorenatsi…named after the nationalist-fabulist Movses Khorenatsi.
JS: (To himself: “I can’t believe this conversation. Why did I take this job?”): Let’s talk about the election slogan. It should be brief and have punch, as we say on Madison Avenue.
GH: How about “Peace, Prosperity, Pashinyan”?
NP: I like it, but as a former journalist I have to reject it because it has no verb. We need action in the campaign slogan.
JS: How about: “Put your faith in Pashinyan”?
GH: It has no punch, as Americans say. The campaign slogan should be short. How about “Forget it!!!”
JS: I don’t understand. Forget what?
NP: No wonder Gumpr is my faithful, trusty, and perceptive friend. “Forget It!!!” means put your faith in the Real Armenia, in the Pashinyan Armenia… and forget the mythological Armenia and people like suicidal Kachn Vartan, lunatic Drtad III who behaved like a beast, and mythologist Movses KhoreNAZI. It means forget dreamlands called Cilicia and Western Armenia…you get the idea. One last thing: Gumper, make sure no troublemaking diaspora Armenian journalist is admitted to Armenia during the election campaign.
Thank you, gentlemen. It has been a good meeting. I am pressed for time: I have to rush to the South to inspect work progress on the Marvelous Trump Superhighway.
Keghart
Keghart
Keghart
2 comments
Dear Jirair,
I have come to look forward to your pieces with real curiosity.
Your satire made me laugh, but as good satire often does, it also left a bitter aftertaste. “Forget it!!!” is not merely a joke; it is almost the perfect slogan for a politics that treats historical memory as an obstacle in front of an election campaign.
The funniest details in the piece, the distribution of brandy, the concerts, the mispronounced place names, the rejection of restaurants because of the names of the streets they are located on, all lead us to a darker question: what happens when a people is asked not only to vote, but also to forget?
Seen from Turkey, the satire becomes even sharper. It is not difficult to notice that many Turkish nationalists who follow Pashinyan seem pleased with his new language. Especially when he turns the election almost into a choice between “me or war,” that rhetoric sounds very familiar to them. Some even joke among themselves that Turkey’s “Reis”(President) has taught this grammar of fear well, and that Pashinyan is applying the lesson like a diligent student. This is not a view I share, of course; but even that sarcastic reaction reveals how leader-centered politics across the region can reproduce similar patterns of fear.
That is why “Forget it!!!” works so powerfully. The issue is not only forgetting Cilicia, Western Armenia, or the old heroes. The issue is the way power everywhere tries to discipline memory, narrow political imagination, and turn fear into loyalty.
Warmly,
Dear Nurnisa,
Since we seem to be on the same wavelength (political views, humor), perhaps we should work together: I write the original article, and you write its exegesis. Sort of a one-two punch.
I am joking. I mean to say that I like reading your letters whether addressed to me or other Keghart contributors.
By the way, years ago I wrote a series humor articles (fifteen or so) about the scintillating political conversations of Ahmet, Mehmet at the Ataturk Bistro/Cafe in the remote fictional town of Selcuk. You can see them when you type “Ahmet” or “Mehmet” in the SEARCH box on page one. Caveat: some could be dated.
Jirair