KeghartBy Garcia Wilde, 28 October 2025
They were all there, the so-called leaders of Toronto’s ethnic communities, lobbing their generous jelly bellies, their vest buttons threatening to jettison and cause serious damage to the inflated honchos of the Paki-Punjabi-Peshawar Patriotic Partnership, Swahili-Sudanese-Somali Sisterhood, Timbuktu-Tuareg Tribal Troop, Manchurian-Mandarin Mandate, True Super Canadian Aboriginal Pow-Wow Nations, Genuine Indigenous Miq Maq Chataqua Alliance, Guatemalan-Aztec-Inca Confradia, and finally the Interactive Ethno-Cultural Co-operative. They were the bosses of a cocktail of ethnic organizations which are buttered by government nepotism and perks, and whose government mouthpiece newspapers are buttressed by frequent full-page ads extolling the history-making deeds of the denizens of Queen’s Park, Parliament Hill, and Toronto’s mayor, cum laude graduate of English as Seventh Language (ESL).
The ethnic bosses gathered in the conference room of the $566-a-night Maison Le Chopin hotel in the heart of Toronto’s Lower Cabbagetown to tweak an ethnocentric priority. It was also another occasion for a free lunch paid by you know who (aka the taxpayer). The proceedings were chaired by Iqbal Ahmed Mehmed Hamid Abu Laughia (“Call me I AM HAL”) of the Paki-Punjabi-Peshawar Patriotic Partnership. After caressing his diamond pinkie and twirling his Wilhelm II mustache, I AM HAL welcomed the ethnic panjandrums and got down to business.
I AM HAL: This meeting has been convened with a single item on the agenda. It is to launch a campaign to change the name of a downtown educational institution, namely George Brown College. There are precedents to this. A few years ago Ryerson University changed its name when it was discovered 19th century educationalist Egerton Ryerson had not been nice to the First People of this great country. The Dundas Square became “Sankofa Square”. It’s a Ghanaian word meaning “To go back and get it.” People are rightly wondering what is a Ghanaian tribal word doing in the middle of Toronto. How many Ghanaians are there in Toronto? There are 25,000 Ghanaians among 4 million people in the Greater Toronto Area.
Of course, the name change of George Brown will be followed by curriculum adjustments to make it inclusive and reflect on-the-ground realities. For example, “The Adventures of Sinbad the Sailor” “will replace “The Adventures of Marco Polo” and the “Wit and Wisdom of the Subcontinent” will replace Mark Twain’s tales.
Akira Otomi of the Ethno Cultural Co-operative: Do we know whether this George Brown mistreated our Natives? Was he a bad guy?
Chief Screaming Eagle, Sr. of the Mic-Mac Chataqua Alliance: The fact that there are no documents proving Brown was anti-Natives doesn’t mean he was not hostile towards the First People.
Jiji Tanaka of the Manchurian-Mandarin-Nippon Bloc: That’s like saying the absence of arson clues doesn’t mean there was no fire although the house is in ashes.
I AM HAL: I can’t follow the logic of my dear colleague Chief Screaming Eagle or that of Jiji Tanaka. I know I am jumping the gun. SEVERAL DELEGATES DIVE UNDER THEIR TABLES. My friends, relax, “jumping the gun” is an expression. Please get up. Let us now vote for the approval of the new name of George Brown College to “Ethennonnhowahstinen Madrasa.” It means “Where they have a good and beautiful land” in the Wendat language. Madrasa, of course, means school in Arabic.
Cy Dearland of the Ethno Anonymous Cooperative: I like the new name. It’s snappy, has spunk and edge. Definitely memorable.
Rubba al-Bobo of the Swahili-Sudanese-Somalian Sisterhood: When Ryerson changed its name, it became Metropolitan University. Metro is a Greek word. It means mother. It’s an absurd name for a university. Why “Mother?” Why not Father-in-Law? “Mother” can also suggest an anti-male bias. We have to be inclusive. That’s why I like Eth…how…tino
Abu Alla Zingawee of the Timbuktu-Tuareg-Tribal Troop: I’ve been researching this topic for a while. How many of you realize George Brown was a Father of Confederation and the founder of the Globe which later became The Globe and Mail? I am certain The Globe and Mail and all media will oppose the change and attack us. But more important, most Canadians, except the Natives, would be against us.
Cy Dearland: To make omelet you have to break an egg.
Chinto Chitral of the Manchurian Mandarin Mandate: We will defer culinary advice for another occasion. My schedule is full. I have to rush to inspect the pipes at my three pizza restaurants. I see this George Brown decision as the first step. Almost 50 percent of Toronto’s population is non-White. It’s high time we made widespread changes in the city place names…King Street, Queen Street, Dundas, Wellesley…all white racist colonialist names. Then there are the Christian subways…St. Patrick, St. David, St. George, St. Clair, and St. Andrew. We should hire a team of specialists to recommend massive place name changes. If the Christian names are not dropped we should campaign to change Yonge Street to Buddha Boulevard, Saladin Street, Prophet Passage, Avenida Montezuma…
Abu Alla Zingawi: For several years now I have been fretting about the covert Nazi invasion of our urban transportation network.
I AM HAL: Abu Ali, what are you talking about?
Abu Alla Zingawi: I am talking about Uber taxi service…the obvious abbreviation of the Nazi “Deutschland uber Alles.”
Cy Dearland: Let’s appoint a committee to investigate this suspicious and alarming development.
Jiji Tanaka: These changes would cost millions of dollars. A simple small sign costs thousands of dollars. Who will cough up the mone?
I AM HAL: Why, of course, Queen’s Park, Ottawa, and Toronto’s eloquent mayor who spends like Kublai Khan.
Chinto Chitral: That’s offensive to all people of Chinese distraction.
Rubba la Bobo: All this hot air talk is driving me to distraction.
Jiji Tanaka: Rubba, I didn’t know you had a personal chauffeur. Does he wear uniform?
Rubba la Bobo: I will not touch that.
I AM HAL: This meeting is adjourned.
Keghart
Keghart
