Epstein’s Island of Sin

Chris Fernezian Art work: Prince Andrew

By Garcia Wilde, Miami, 11 January 2024
Illustration by Chris Fernezian, Toronto

There’s the Romantic Island (Bora Bora), the Golden Island (Kauai, Hawaii), the Island of Love (Santorin, Tahiti). Then there’s the island of Little St. James in the Virgin Islands, better known as Pedophile Island. The floating few acres of land “won” that sobriquet due to the sexual goings-on between celebrity guests and underage girls, all under the vulpine eyes of Jeffrey Epstein, mysterious financier, owner of the island, and Mossad agent who allegedly videotaped the sexual encounters of the so-called elite with underage girls and passed the tapes to the Israeli secret service to blackmail the celebrities.

As we know (ahem) Epstein committed suicide at night in his jail cell when conveniently there were no guards, his cell lights and cameras were not working. He supposedly offed himself by hanging from a height less than his height.

Ten days ago, the government released the names of 150 to 175 celebrities who had flown to the Pedophile Island often on board the Lolita Express (the nickname of Epstein’s Boeing aircraft.)

Your correspondent has in his hands a thick file which lists the denials of the celebrities who had, for years, cavorted on Epstein’s island of perversion.

Actor Kevin Spacey:
“Yeah, I was there. So what? It was like watchin’ paint dry. You know what I yam sayin’? I was bored out of my skull on that godforsaken islet: there wasn’t a single good-looking guy…”

President Bill Clinton:
“I flew a number of times on board the so-called Lolita Express. I passed most of my time on the plane and on the island poring over Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita novel.  I don’t know how many times I read the tome, searching for the novel’s subtext and hidden messages. You know how heavy and slow those Russian novelists can be. The only underage girl I ‘met’ on the island was Nabokov’s Lolita.”

Prince Andrew:
“I was trapped. I thought the girl was at least 21. She was dressed like a woman of 25. It was a sting operation: Epstein’s people had dressed up the 16-year-old to look 25. No English citizen would lower himself to such crass tricks. I was fleeing from my wretched wife Fergie and was vulnerable. The trap cost me about $16 million in compensation to the said girl.”

Woody Allen:
“I went to the island just once. I hate the sun: my sensitive skin turns sickly crimson in a few minutes. I met Epstein there to persuade him to finance my remake of Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex but Were Afraid to Ask. I returned empty-handed: horse-faced Epstein wanted to play the romantic lead and have his crow-faced girlfriend Jilly Maxwell as the love interest.”

Alan Dershowitz:
“Look. Listen to me. I am not denying I was there. I am a highly-respected lawyer, a professor of law at Harvard, author of many well-reviewed books. I have been on TV many, many times and defeated in debate people like the self-hating Jew Norman Finkelstines. I have known many political leaders, including Bibi Netanyahu and Ehud Barak. I am one of the most successful men in this United States of America. I didn’t see a single woman on the island, except for my chambermaid. She must have been older than my grandmother. I was in my hermetic room all the time typing my latest oeuvre which should be a guaranteed bestseller. I’ll bet a 1,000 dollars on that.” [One is inclined to believe Dershowitz: his revolting looks would make any woman jump in the shark-infested Caribbean.]

Ehud Barak:
“My good friend, the late Jeffrey Epstein, asked me to check into the island’s security system. He was afraid ISIS, Al-Qaida, Hamas, Hezbollah, the Basque terrorists, the PFLP, the Guatemalan terrorists, the Shining Path meshugenas and other anti-Semitic filth might kill him. As you know, he was eventually killed in his jail cell by one of these terrorist groups.”

Leo Wexner:
“I would like you to know it was I who made Jeff a millionaire celebrity. I funded his businesses by using my Victoria’s Secret as a front. To drum up business for Jeff, I even took a bunch of models with me to the island. Unfortunately, Jeff was a very suggestible fella: not good material for secret work. In jail, he decided to imitate his girlfriend Jill’s father, the mighty Robert Maxwell, who committed suicide by drowning in the sea off Spain. My concern is how to get my investments back before this army of yentas claim millions of dollars from Jeff’s estate.”

President Donald Trump:
“I was there just once. I gave away $200 worth of red MAGA hats to the staff.  The hats were made here, in good old America, not China. The islet, which is smaller than my Miami mansion’s backyard, is a boring dump. What I yam sayin’ is that there isn’t a single decent hairstylist on that pile of rock who could cut and style my Elvis hair.”



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